sharing a copy of Mothering Magazine

Incredible how online shopping has evolved over the years. I've found myself wandering more and more into US websites for exciting stuff to buy... and today i just got meself a one-year digital subscription of Mothering Magazine. I enter my credit card details, and within 5 minutes, an email arrives into my inbox giving me a link to assess my first digital copy of the magazine. How amazing! I mean, really really speedy, i say. So i'm impressed. Besides being environmentally friendly and having nary a carbon footprint, the digital subscription allows me to forward the ENTIRE magazine to THREE friends. Yup, that means my US$12 a year subscription for six bi-monthly copies is now triple the value. And, if i take the pains to print out the digital copy (which i don't think i will cos that defeats the point right???) , i could even lend it on to other friends, increasing the circulation! So i am mighty pleased. Initially I was tempted to subscribe to the print copies cos nothing beats touching and feeling a magazine. somehow, it makes reading more leisurely than peering into your laptop. But the costs were just too prohibitive, and i'm looking at the stacks of old mags i have at home that i don't know what to do with. So... the greenier option won.

So why did i blog? Cos i wanted to ask WHO WANTS me to forward the digital copy to? In case, you're clueless about Mothering Magazine - it's a great US-based magazine that promotes natural living, very pro-breastfeeding and attachment parenting. You can find out more about the magazine here. Tralalala...

tearing your hair out

So a friend told me to expect that I might experience hair loss when Val reaches his fourth month. She couldn’t say why – just an old wives tale from Indonesia. I thought maybe it's hormones – you know how pregnancy sometimes gives luscious locks to moms so perhaps it's payback time once those growth hormones melt away. But I recently found out that my hair loss (I see strands of my hair on Val’s face) is not due to any hormonal changes..

It’s simply the physical duress my hair experiences each time I carry my son. You see, he’s found that if he grabs two fistful of mama’s hair real tight, he would be able to stand up better in her arms. No mercy, no negotiation, no pity. My hair has become Val’s support bar, his reins. Sometimes those locks of hair goes into his enzyme-packed mouth for a good licking too.

Arrghh…if I find more strands of me hair stuck on his face again tomorrow, let’s see who gets a licking. Now, i know where that phrase "tearing your hair out" might have originated from!

bananamania

bananamania
Originally uploaded by tumbleweeed

i know i know, we're wayyyy too early to be giving Val FOOD. but the idea of BABY-LED WEaning really captured my imagination after Rani emailed two links to me. (btw: i think the term weaning is a misnomer for this concept, maybe more like Baby-led food experimentation)

I read on it, and really like the idea of allowing the baby the lead in choosing when to eat. It's very 'unicef-y' kind of child-centred approach. Something i was very immersed in while in Timor. It's great and very logical that we wait and observe for baby's own physical developments to signal us when they're ready to munch instead of pureeing foods and sliding them down their little throats that may not be ready for foreign objects. So the gist of BLW is to allow babies to hold their own food or spoon instead of passively feeding them with spoons. This allows them to continue having control over how much they want to eat, what they want to try --- following on the same kind of active feeding philosophy behind baby-led breastfeeding.

It will mean a mess but there are lots of advantages which include a) not having to slog it out in the kitchen pureeing food; b) allowing baby to see whole foods instead of mush all pureed together -- this has 2 advantages - baby get to touch and interact with the food and realise there is such a concept as WHOLE foods, and also it's easier to tell which food is turning baby off or causing an allergy so mom and dad can either avoid this food or reintroduce this particular food again sometime later..... c) when baby is able to sit up, and is able to hold things more firmly, it usually coincides with stomach maturity, and baby losing his/her tongue thrust reflex so we're not pre-empting anything.

so why is val holding a banana? it's just that he's been showing a lot of interest in our food, and whenever i eat in front of me, he gives me this really sad, envious look and occasionally tries to grab my utensils or my food. So since his hands are stronger now, i decided to test if he may be keen on starting solids.

Turns out he LOVES holding onto the banana (which we wash first so the skin is clean) and licking the banana. But we have to be careful when he shoves the banana into his mouth and chomps off a huge chunk with his powerful gums! so far, he's spitting it out so it indicates that he just wants a taste which is good enough for me. I was just really amused when he began licking the banana SKIN enthusiastically. Yikes. i hope he's not honing his tastebuds for strange stuff.

reminiscing the ole adventuring days

They’ve done it. The Chinese. They’ve brought the Olympic flame to Everest. But the real coup?
The summit push was shown entirely ‘LIVE’ on CCTV, beamed to millions spontaneously.

Incredible I say. Coming from a TV background I know how hard it is for good signals especially with the swirling clouds blanketing the peak, yet the broadcast from 8800m was crystal clear with little ‘dropout’ – those mosaic-like shapes on the screen. Whatever satellite technology they were using, the Chinese surely showed to the rest of the world their capacity to do anything they wanted. The production was sleek: a live studio was set up at 5200m inside a see-through dome tent so the presenters’ backdrop was the Everest peak itself. There were at least 6 live transmission points: 2 on the peak with the climbers, 2 from far away filming their progress, 2 at 5200m in the studio and in a control room coordinating with the climbers. The ‘live’ show was definitely something to be proud of. The whole operation must have cost them millions – we used to have to pay a few thousands for every minute of satellite relay – but since the team was likely to have been using China’s own satellite, the gi-normous bill was probably on the house.

When the flame finally reached the summit, I felt a deep sense of poignancy. How do I explain? Three of the final five torch bearers in the flame relay were Tibetans and its likely that a large majority of this summit team were Tibetans too. It wasn’t just the political nuance I’m talking about (which I won’t go into here – just too much to say and too complex for a blog). So while they were ‘live’ on camera and preparing for the flame relay, I could hear the distinct Tibetan chatter that brought back a flood of memories. Memories of living in close quarters with them in Lhasa, Songduo and in Shangri-la on separate occasions. Memories of Ngawang my rotund, jovial guide who was a heavy smoker but still managed to run up the steps of the mini Potala palace (Sumstenling Monastery) in Shangri-la faster than me. Memories of enjoying mouth-watering yak meat hot pot, steaming cups of butter tea, and handfuls of tsampa, while huddled close to a fireplace for warmth. Memories of trekking on a mountain that could not be found on maps – truly! Memories of plodding through snow and shale, as hail swept down on us. Ah… those were the days. And then I think of all the unfinished trails, and my promise to Ngawang to return to circle their sacred mountains together, and his crazy suggestion to smuggle me overland into western Tibet clad in a Tibetan dress. ‘Just pretend to be mute,’ he said. Yes, I was that dark and that burnished then I could easily have passed for a Tibetan. And no, Ngawang was not my lover. Just a very dear friend, a fatherly figure.


the sweetest kid in trinyi village

Seeing the Tibetan climbers on TV just made me wish I was in a different place today. And I guess, trying to put Val to sleep while trying to catch every step of the summit push really drove home to me that life will never be the same again. Period. This must be a dilemma every new mother faces – as her old life melts away, overwhelmed by motherhood.


ole adventuring days...atop Mt Shika,4245m, Shangrila

Today, I really felt a fear that I will never get back onto a mountain again. Sometimes I feel lucky that I did all that before I got married, but then sometimes I wish I never did then maybe I won’t feel such a sense of loss. Whatever the case, I’m feeling low right now. And hope that this will remind me to hold on to my dreams of adventuring again. Soon. Soon. Perhaps when Val’s old enough to walk, I shall start training him on simple trails and we can go climbing again.


offering prayers atop Mt Shika.

ode to all moms

after reading Dot's account of her super lightning eating speed these days, i was reminded of the mommy in the Incredibles cartoon. She had super stretchy limbs that could go anywhere and do anything. Moms really do acquire superhuman abilities after having babies - wait, no, after becoming pregnant. first their uteruses expand a few hundred times to pack in a human baby, and then the same uteruses shrink a few hundred times after the delivery.... and then their bodies transform into a baby-nourishing machine that works 24/7....

and then, my toes - oh my toes! I've found out how dexterous my toes can be - i've perfected the pincer grip that enables me to fetch anything within a 1 metre radius even when i'm nursing. i can use the remote, flip a pillow, and bounce the sarong all with 2 toes, and then while nursing, walk over to the fan and switch it on - yes with my toes... but i still can't paint with them. and my hearing - i swear i can hear every lil move Val makes that makes me dash to his side when he's sleeping to quickly pat him back to sleep before he wakes himself up, bright-eyed, and keen to play...

and yes, the incredible food-swallowing skill plus eating with one hand while wrestling with Val on the other... and right now, typing while he's all over me, leaning against me for support, smearing his icky, smelly milky face all over me, and farting at the same time... wait, he's actually toileting on me!!! (i rush to put him on a potty hoping to get hiim to poo in it but it was a false alarm....) oh and as this shows, multi tasking to the max!

most of all, i think moms develop a superhuman amount of PATIENCE which could win them the nobel prize!

happy mommy's day!

animal unleashed

He does. not. stop. these days. Ever since he learnt how to confidently flip over onto his tummy. The moment he is placed down on a bed, he goes flip flip flip like a seal. he then desperately crawls forward (without moving an inch), grabbing onto what ever's in front of him to aid him. It's almost funny to see his valiant attempts going nowhere. And then because he had just nursed, a long dribble of milk follows, pooling on MY BED...

And with a stronger torso, the lil un now insists on nursing almost in an upright position. It's like he's saying 'hey, i'm no baby no more, let me sit up!" he will kick and strain his tummy and get himself upright. Quite amazing to see. Why do i have an inkling this is going to be one stubborn kid?

Val's also exhibiting dexterity with his feet and toes. Yesterday, in the cot, he kicked the rails, raised his body in a side sit up, and pulled on the rail to grab the mobile. It's indescribable that move, but i say, he has the makings of a rock-climber in the future! I hope i won't be too old by the time he's in his teens to go cragging together!

how safe is that shampoo?

was reading a back issue of Mothering magazine when i came upon a really interesting article about safety of baby products.. so i went to the recommended site of the Environmental Working Group (EWG) that has a Skin Deep Database to check out how the baby products that i've bought so far ranked. SCARRIIIEEEE results for one of the most common baby products used in Singapore - - err... starts with letter J. Most of its products are ranked 5 and above. The higher the number the more hazardous it is! And this manufacturer also doesn't sign onto the Compact for Safe Cosmetics. This is a "pledge to formulate products that do not use ingredients that are known or suspected to cause certain health harms within three years of signing."

There was good rankings (1 or 2 out of 10) for an expensive organic brands --- two words, starts with letter C and letter B. But of course, the expensive organic one is like 5 times more expensive....... Considering that Val has so little hair (read= needs v little shampoo) perhaps its' worthwhile to consider sticking to this more expensive wash ... Besides checking out baby care products, this Skin Deep Database also lets you check out cosmetics and other personal hygiene products for big people. Quite interesting...... at least, another resource to better inform us, although it's a shame that most of the '0' hazard products are probably not found here but in the US.

YIKES. i just saw the ratings for a stretch mark lotion - famous brand starts with "M" and very expensive too. 7 on the scale! Ingredients in the product linked to: 1) cancer 2) development/reproductive toxicity 3)violations/restrictions/warnings 4)allergies 5) and lots of other scary stuff.!!!! Luckily during my pregnancy, I alternated between this and an organic brand - two words (is this sounding like charade??) one letter E and letter M. And that one is rating a ZERO on the hazard scale ......................PHEW....

Ok, so i am convinced. Organic is definitely sounding better although organic products are be quite expensive. As in PACKAGED organic products, e.g. organic milk in Hawaii costs $US6 per liter! But you can be smart and use or eat really organic products or whole foods, for example, Timor tomatoes (although they are irregularly shaped and sometimes with wrinkly skin) are juicier and sweeter than the imported ones i've tasted back home here.

So i say, time to junk the toothpaste and go for baking soda; forget baby oil and use virgin cold pressed coconut oil instead; grow plenty of citronella plants to chase mossies away; and instead of chewing on teethers that could possibly have toxic colours and materials - how about a clean washcloth frozen in the fridge? Babies are quite smart.... of all the toys Val has, he LOVES the damp cloth that i stick into his mouth every evening to clean his gums. He cries when i finish the job - the only time he ever cries when something is taken away from him. Oh, and ya, he's still striking the bottle. Maybe a lil bird told him about the latest news about BPA and babies bottles?

curiosity kills the cat

Val has fallen in love with this new world- he can't take his eyes off everything, even the room he's been sleeping in for four months has become an enthralling sight. Since last week, he's been stopping halfway through his feeds, to stare at my face - intrigued at the details he can now see. Hmm.. why does mommy have metal resting on her nose? Why does mommy have two eyes, one nose and one mouth? Then he grins (aw, a heartmelting one) almost proud of what he can do now.... then, if he remembers, he goes back to the breast to finish the job... but if he gets distracted, he FORGETS his hunger and struggles to be 'free' of mommy so that he can continue playing with grandma, grandpa or with his toys......

And so, that's my sob story for the month.... battling Val's curiosity and his erratic feeding pattern. From nursing for as long as 40 minutes, he's now become a 5-10 min sucker. Then TODAY, he totally decided to go on a breast strike. He would 'complain' loudly with his cries whenever i put him to the nursing position, and struggle to sit up (even though he still can't). And if i persist on giving him the breast, he then starts crying loudly. So many times i tried to coax him to nurse today....and so many times he refused. We even tried giving him the bottle, but no, now he recognises the bottle and cries when my mom brings it closer to him. Gosh........What to do??? I was so worried cos it had been hours since his last feed. Finally, we tried the spoon and he actually drank like 20 spoonfuls - but because he still hasn't learnt to sip well, a lot of the milk spilled out. Sigh...in the end, i think he drank 30 ml.

i still can't figure out what is making him so fussy? is it really his curiosity or perhaps the 2 painful jabs he got on Monday? or is he teething cos he's been drooling so badly but i can't find no bumps in his mouth! aiya......so difficult. i sms a few fellow moms but no one else seem to have had the same dire situation as me. I call my lactation consultant and was advised to either 1) get out of the house completely so he will not hear or see me and thus will drink from bottle 2) nurse him in a very dark and quiet room. So i've tried both and failed.

Finally, at 7pm, i put on the baby carrier to see if he might feed - it's worked before. Thankfully, he finally agreed to take the breast and actually emptied both quite completely. The lil bugger was so hungry but somehow something was putting him off his feeds. I still don't know what it is. I just feel so exhausted and worried. Luckily Val is still quite cheerful and sociable despite not drinking. most of the fellow moms just reassured me that as long as he seems happy, i shouldn't worry. But still... that's easier said than done. Let's see what he'll do tomorrow.

ZZZZ

Bright beginnings? .......

Haha, Val is no genius and i have no wish for him to be. Geniuses have a tough time in life. I just want a healthy, normal kid who loves the sun, and nature like I do. Anyways, I had put him on his tummy for some exercise and decided to keep him amused with his book when i saw this 'kodak moment'. i've noticed that when i have exhausted all other ways of amusing him, books always seem to capture his attention very well. Thanks to some friends who bought Val a series of Bright Baby books, i've got at least 4 hard cover books to enthrall him with.



He loves the one that has a picture of a girl with curly hair. He kicks his legs and get real excited when i read to him. It must be the combination of sounds, colours and pictures that get him all pumped up. Which explains why.......



he prefers looking at the TV than anything else! We have recently discovered that he's becoming a lil TV addict! Oh No! But really, we can't help it. Even when we turn his entire body away from the TV, he has discovered incredible ways of contorting his body to crane his head towards the goggle box. Dang! So now, i switch off the TV whenever i discover that he's stealing a peek. Too young to start getting spaced out by TV, i say!

baby wearing

okay okay, so it's probably quite obvious that i'm from the 'attachment parenting' clique. I didn't even know such a term existed until i became a mom and started reading Dr Sears' The Baby Book. I was devouring the book in the first month cos Val was a rather anxious and fussy (oops not supposed to use that term!) baby cos he cried when he was bathed, when he was changed, when everything la! Anyways, i tried to find some answers in that tome and started (as advised) using my own maternal instincts to parent Val instead of listening to what the 'wise' ones had to say. That is - i decided to carry Val as much as possible, ignoring the 'don't spoil your baby' group of advisors. Sorry folks, but really. Val wouldn't have wanted it any other way. He DEMANDED to be held, and my lactation consultant reckons it was particularly because Val was born rather small and skinny, all the more he wanted the warmth and comfort of mama. And so, i did it. I held him a LOT. Of course the naysayers would take every opportunity to make me put down baby, but i persisted. One day, a friend visited, and when she saw how close Val and I were. Val was perched upright, with both tiny hands on my chest, staring enthralled into my face, studying me closely even at 5 weeks old. She immediately said, "wa your child is so in love with you. ah, you must be practising attachment parenting."

The strange thing i find is that most people try to tell me that it's BAD to be attached to my child. When i began breastfeeding, someone told my Mom that breastfed babies are very attached to their moms. 'And so?' i asked my mom. 'What's so bad about that?' Somehow, in our modern times, it's NOT GOOD to be attached to your mommy???!!! Why? Why? I don't know. I mean, these are little babes we talking about. if they ain't attached to us, who or what do we want our babes to be attached to? Their pacifiers? Their teddies? Their domestic helpers? Sigh....

'You sure regret it if you carry him so much' - okay so how many of you have heard this phrase? Raise your hands!! I think this piece of advice is often given out of best intentions but unfortunately it just couldn't be applied to Val's case. The lil boy will sit in the stroller for the most 5 minutes, and although he is increasingly keen to be on his back or side in the cot playing, he still demands to be carried after a while. You see, that's it. Babies are PROGRAMMED to be carried. It's their survival instincts. They are also programmed to cry and make noise. So instead of praising quiet babies, we should actually pay special concern to those babies that are TOO quiet. Crying is a survival skill for babies.

Anyways, so each week when i see my uncles and aunties at our weekly gatherings they will ask, 'where's the stroller?' Er... it's sitting at home. 'Why?' cos it's a waste of energy bringing it out cos i will most definitely have to carry Val AND push the empty stroller which makes no sense at all. instead, i find lots of joy using baby slings and carriers that are sooo much more portable and handsfree.

The first baby carrier i got was a Moms In Mind Sarong Sling. Initially Val hated going in cos he was small and needed to be put in a cradle position which he hates UNLESS i've tricked him into it by luring him with da breast. HAHA! He prefers to be upright but was too small to be carried that way in a sarong sling. So i've temporarily put that aside for now. Then I borrowed Rani's Baby Bjorn carrier as she bought another one from Ebay for less than $10 bucks!!! My dad has great reservations about such carriers cos he thinks it's bad for baby boys to be sitting ermmm on their jewels. Also, the old model for Bjorn doesn't allow nursing on the go so i have to take Val out whenever he needed to nurse. So i borrowed another baby carrier the ERGO baby carrier from Xiao Feng. This carrier is more suited for 4 months and above so for now, i've been carrying Val with both legs to the side. It's not as secure as if his legs are spread out, so i just have to be more careful. I think it's great that i've got to try out the carriers first before buying one. Thanks friends! This is how it should be so that better choices are made! Cos every baby is different and demand different things. I'm still keen to return to the Sarong Sling cos it's the most portable and also easy for nursing. I just want to meet more moms who are experts in using the sling cos sometimes the material and all that jazz with the ring and all drives me nuts.

Anyways, i do digress badly. I meant to say that with baby carriers, i'm quite a mobile mom going places without the cumbersome stroller. Also, Val seems to fall asleep so well whenever he goes into the carrier. So when i'm desperate for him to fall asleep, i just slip him into the carrier, walk a lil, and voila! zzzz baby!

One book that really encouraged me to follow my maternal instincts on what's good for Val was Meredith Small's our Babies , Ourselves. Reading it affirmed my style of parenting and makes me feel less bad about co-sleeping and baby wearing. Even my mom has remarked to me that she thinks it was my patience and constant carrying of Val that actually helped him to become the cheerful baby he is now. She says she couldn't imagine if we had sent him to the hospital for bililights treatment- what baby we might have in return cos it's a well known fact that the nurses just let the babies cry it out cos they're too busy to be soothing and comforting them whenever they cried. So there - i don't believe in letting a baby 'cry it out.' i'm a wussy parent in that sense, but i really believe that if i'm there to comfort my baby and he learns to trust that i will be there for him, he will grow up to be a secure child. Anyways, this is a path i've taken without any deliberation, just basing it on my instincts and working with my baby's needs. Whatever happens in the future (i.e. if Val gets spoiled) will be a result of my choice, and i won't blame anyone else.

cloth diapering and other stuffz

So we began Val's journey into this world with the ubiquitous Pampers that were given by the hospital. I loved the fact that there was an indicator strip on the outside that showed how many times baby had peed and when it was time for a change. It was nice, especially for a new mom, and also an anxious first-time breastfeeding mom who was not sure how many times her baby was peeing. Soon after a day or two home, we decided to go back to the good ole Chinese cloth diapers but we used Snappi fasteners instead of safety pins that made our job much easier and less scary.
I bought them from Mothercare, but they're also available in Kiddy Palace and the Bumwear shop. Why the switch back to cloth? Well, i was really curious to see when Val was peeing and how much, and felt that having cloth diapers allowed me to do that. Also, it just felt cooler, and kinder on his tiny bum. And with my folks so willing to help out, we decided to use cloth diapers. I really think that using cloth in this day and age requires a lot of support, otherwise, you get plenty of complains of wet beds, and frequent washing! And so from there, we found out that Val would pee many many times right after a feed and then gradually stop after an hour or so, and then the next cycle starts at the next feed. Oh and yes, Pampers is also very expensive! So we began using cloth during the day, and Pampers at night.


When Val was about six weeks, I bought the first Bumwear pocket diaper to try them out. I had read about them and heard conflicting reviews and was curious to see if they work. I bought the petite sized one cos Val was still so small. It's a nice dark purple shade with light purple buttery soft fleece inner lining. It worked quite well, and much better than the OLD versions that had cloth outers that would leak often. (I had borrowed 2 of the old ones from a friend and they were always leaking). But somehow, i was still not as satisfied cos everytime i wanted to change Val, i felt the inner fleece and it was always kinda humid and warm. Surely that can't be very good for his jewels i thought.... hmmm..... the search continued....

Then I spoke to some friends who had also been using pocket diapers and they recommended Happy Heiny's which is one of the many brands sold online at the Whoopee kiddies store. But somehow they didn't appeal to me. The price is also comparable to Bumwear. Then Rani told me that she had ordered some Bum Genius cloth diapers and they worked better than Bumwear. i began to read up more on the brand and from its manufacturers Cotton Babies. The reviews were mostly positive, so i decided ok, let's try some! And so i bought six of them and so far, it's been GREAT! Truly! The inner lining is ALWAYS dry, and the inserts can really soak up Val's pee. But occasionally when i didn't velcro the tabs tight enough, there has been 2 leaks. But other than that, i feel that he seems really dry and comfortable. My only grouses : i dunno how long the velcro tabs will last, and i hate the fact that they only have pastel colours!

I also bought a dozen flannel wipes from Cotton Babies because i've decided that relying on wet wipes is not financially sound! Much as i love the Pigeon Chamomile wipes that dispense so wonderfully and smell so nice, and wipe so nicely, they are just too expensive at $10.10 for 3 packs. I mean, since Val poos such sticky stuff, and i don't want to do a shoddy job cleaning him up, i tend to use quite a few pieces each time. So i decided to see how it would be using flannel wipes and warm water on him instead. So far, so good! I mean, it helps that he now only poo poos 2 times a day so it's not a big hassle soaking and washing the flannel wipes. My grouse: the flannel felt sooo much softer and nicer before they were washed! Now that they have been washed repeatedly, they don't seem to get softer as promised! Oh well.........................

Anyways, these days by using a combination of cloth diapers, Bumwear and BumGenius pocket diapers, we find that we're only using about 1 disposable a day! That's a great reduction of disaposable waste although i don't know whether it translates into actual $ savings since we do use quite a bit of water, electricity and human effort to launder the cloth diapers! At least, i comfort myself that water although scarce is renewable and with Newater technology, haha, we're recycling it while landfills take years and years to degrade and the world is running out of space! That said, you do need patience if you intend to go cloth diapering cos when blowouts happen, and Val's runny poo smears all over your pants, i have to rely on my sense of humour to laugh it off!

As for disposies, i've found that Mamy Poko is a good choice since it's not as expensive as Pampers but just as effective, and it's got a great poo poo pocket that really does trap the runny breastmilk poo very well. Huggies, although an established brand, tends to bulk up and makes Val look err... overly endowed down under. As for the more affordable Drypers - sorry, the sticky tab drives me nuts, so i stopped after the first pack. Since we're down to using only one disposable a day, i've decided to stick to Mamy Poko for now until someone recommends me something better.


***Note: this may have read like an advertorial but it is not! i have not been paid by anyone to advertise their stuff! just wanted to share with others what i'm doing....

Three months!

(photo by John, 20 march 2008)

My fave photo from the snaps that John took for Val and I last Friday. We had initially gone to his place to get passport shots of Val but ended up taking some fun snaps. John caught this on film when i was laughing at the bubble that Val was forming. It was a perfectly round bubble with a droplet still inside and he was blowing it in and out. Really tickled me! I must say, this is like the best photo we have of ourselves cos most time i'm too busy taking shots of him and noone else taking shots of us two together. So it's nice...I took the opportunity to print some photos for the scrapbook i'm keeping for him, and went back to see some of the photos of him when he was a newborn. Gosh! it really made me shocked to see the changes. He was soooo scrawny and sooo newborn and soo raw even then. Eyes closed, peeling skin, tiny limbs, hardly any fats, a pigeon chest...... And now, at least he's got some fats on him and twinkling eyes! My Ma calls them Mata Kuching or Cat Eyes that never seem to close for his nap! This past week's been quite a challenging one for me cos Val has suddenly changed his sleeping pattern. He used to tank up a lot at 7pm and then could sleep from 8pm till 1am, and then have one feed which can last till 5or 6am. These 3 nights, the lil un been getting up every 2 hours on the dot which is driving me nuts... and i think the scratchy throat i've got is thanks to his antics. But what can i do? He's probably on his 3-month growth spurt and if i dun nurse him once his eyes pop open, he'll end up waking up fully and then not sleeping. So yeah..... tough..... i just hope Val reverts to his nice sleeping pattern again and SOON!

fist lickin' good

my fist - my best friend
Originally uploaded by tumbleweeed

yup, Val's found his new friend - his fist. He loves licking them now, and then sometimes he sucks on them so hard that he makes really LOUD smacking noises that you can hear from even the next room! It's hilarious cos he looks at me, then shows me his fist, and then proceeds to snack on it nonchalantly. And nope, he's NOT being starved, it's just his oral development stage in overdrive.

big hands

grab grab grab
Originally uploaded by tumbleweeed

Just as Dr Sears' The Baby Book said, Val began discovering his hands as he got nearer to the 3 month mark. At first, he began looking at them, as if he was looking at the time on a wrist watch. Then he began randomly grabbing his shirt up and flinging his arms about. Now, when i offer him a tissue, cloth or even a stimuli block, he opens up his lil hands and instinctively grabs them. So now, he's got another 'resource' or toy to occupy him giving me a few more minutes each day to sit down to catch my breath. ......

Val's zoo

val's zoo 2
Originally uploaded by tumbleweeed

See Val's zoo - there's a panda, a giraffe, a chicken, a whale and an elephant. All handmade by Tomato Aunt in Washington D.C! And THANKS to this cute mobile, Val is finally willing to lie down in his cot for a longer period. Previously, just five minutes inside would set him squealing for us to pick him up.

But as his legs get stronger, and his vision improves, he's actually enjoying himself a fair bit under the mobile. He gets sooo excited when the mobile moves that he cycles or rather he slams his legs down onto the mattress so hard that he can move from one end of the cot to the other. He's even done a 360degree turn around! So now we have to be extra careful and will need to pad up the sides of the cot even more. This one is going to be a real head-butter, hopefully not a butthead. Haha...

Val's been babbling on more and more each day. It began with the simple ah-goo but now has extended to a whole vocabulary of sounds. It's great cos he realise that he doesn't have to cry to get our attention. He calls out, and then sometimes he squeals in delight, and can hold an entire conversation with especially if we entertain him and reciprocate in baby talk.

I'm just so glad to see this lil cutie progress from a pint-sized baby to a more 'normal' sized one. He's so active though - doesn't sleep enough in the day but thankfully, the lil man actually seem to know that night time is for sleeping and can sleep from 9pm till 7am (with milk feeds in between of course). So that's a relief....

Val was also a high-sensitive baby in the beginning... just stripping off his clothes could set him off screaming. Changing diapers used to be a screamfest. Bathtime was high-pitched crying time. These days, after he learnt to smile, he seems somewhat more reassured. He even loves being butt naked while i sun his bum every morning. Two days ago, he managed to SMILE in the bathtub... so that's an achievement!

But the best part of it all... is that Val is responding to our diaper-free training! My mom gets the credit for starting it off. She would take off his diaper every morning to shhhh him whether or not he piss. Then after reading a second book on diaper-free infants, i began to observe his pee pattern by using more cloth diapers and leaving him naked. So now after every feed, we would shhh him. After a few days, i realise that he was keeping himself DRY during the feeds and seemingly waiting for us to shhh him! Now, he shhhs almost after every single feed. It's cool! Also, haha, Val has a habit of peeing in two squirts. So we have to wait for him to finish both squirts before bringing him away from the sink. He's actually quite thrilled i think, cos everytime i shhh him, he smiles so widely and gurgles happily at me.

Anyways, that's my half-assed update for now. I find keeping notes in a good ole notebook much easier as i just scribble thoughts down whenever i want...... This is me, in an extremely hardworking day.

Ok, back to finishing my work...

the magical number six?

val_papa
Originally uploaded by tumbleweeed

they say things get better after the 6th week....... do they? i think it's because the mother's body adjusts to the sleep deprivation and also cos we learn to read our babies' cues much better - sparing both parties much agony. Now, i'm at least able to tell why he's crying e.g. when he's simply tired and needs a lil rocking and help to fall asleep he cries too. it's different from when he wants milk. I remember the early weeks when i was literally scratching my head over why he was crying - was it wind? was it hunger? was it tiredness? Val's also becoming much more responsive. my favourite moments are when he's finished drinking his milk, he unlatches from my nipples with flourish (a loud smack sometimes and a yank!!!) , gives a silly contented grin and looks generally dazed. That's when you can do almost anything with him and he's just chilled out.... Mornings are nice too when he's active and keen to play. Sometimes he can play alone for nearly 30-45 minutes before 'shouting' out to us to say 'hey, i'm getting bored, you guys better start paying me some attention!' It's funny when he tries to 'talk' to us through his different sounds. He definitely does not COO like a baby, he gives one-syllable shouts that can sometimes be a lil rude. Here's lil Val with Papa who's just changed his nappy... Growing growing different everyday!

Valiant Val

Photo by Uncle John

The best gift for Val

Okay so this sounds soppy but really, when i decided to 'splurge' on a doula and the hypnobirthing class, the only rationale i had was that it would probably be the best gift for my lil un. the amount isn't a trifle so i did give it quite a lot of thought and research. i read up on the Hypnobirthing book on my own to see if i could 'embrace' its philosophy and also emailed several people who took the classes for their opinions. IN the end, i made the decision and boy am i glad. Below is a letter from Auntie Ginny of Four Trimesters (www.fourtrimesters.com) to Baby Val to welcome him into the world. Touching for me to read 2 weeks after his birth.




Dear Val,


Your Mommy first contacted me via email when she was still living in East Timor. She was thinking of having a natural birth to welcome you in the gentlest way possible and found me through the internet. She later found out that some of her friends are also taking HypnoBirthing classes with me.

I first met your parents at the HypnoBirthing group class conducted at my home. Your daddy was sceptical but supportive and it seemed like he enjoyed the first class. Your maternal grandma attended the 2nd group class to learn how to support your mommy should your Daddy miss the birth being based in East Timor. Your Mommy and you are surrounded showered with love by supportive friends and family.

I met your Mommy 2 days before she went into labor for our first prenatal. I was pleasantly surprised that she had beautiful affirmation cards on post it notes stuck all over her poster, clearly, she was determined and motivated to have a short, easy, relaxed and comfortable birth.

13th December 2007

5.17am

Hi ginny my waters just broke.
(Bridge: my first sms to ginny)

Your Mommy called me shortly after and we went through her options. She could choose to stay at home and wait for the surges to pick up on its own or go to the hospital to check that your fetal heartrate is fine and have the option of heading home again if labor has not started. Your Daddy was still in East Timor at this point.

6.34am

Ok we going to hospital. Will update you later. I haven’t printed my birth plan.

6.51am

Ok I’ll see how the fetal monitoring is first. Drats hate the thought of a VE. They have to do it ya?

6.54am

Ok thks. Would u have any way of contacting him?
(Bridge: Trying to contact Doc Paul)

6.57am

Ok they tried to call him but no response. I’ll update you.

8.29am

Will the loss of waters endanger the baby?

8.32am

Ok still at hospital. Eating. I think my ma is worried. I’m sleepy. Just keep waiting for baby movement. So far he is active. My surges are there but not intense.

8.34am

The waters keep flowing. So its quite scary.

8.35am

Ok but very malu.

I found out later that your Mommy and your grandma hung around the hospital to wait and see if the surges will start, so they had breakfast there, before deciding to head home again.

10.06am

Hi I’m home and resting. Lying on side to relax. Surges still irregular but seem more intense yeah! Do you think you can help me print a copy of my birth plan? I dun have a printer here. I’ll update you more.

12.07pm Daddy smses

Hi Ginny how are you this is Armando in timor. Would you be able to keep me updated on Bridgette condition. I am trying to get a flight out.

1.24pm

I feel like something really trying to push through my butt when the surges come. Is that normal?

1.38pm Daddy smses

Thanks heaps I feel so helpless being so far away. Thank you for your kind assistance and please keep me updated.

2.07pm

Surges are getting more challenging. The push down to butt is very strong, din imagine that it would be like that.

2.08pm

Wait let me count
(Bridge: Ginny asked me for duration and intervals of surges)

2.27pm

First two were 4 min apart, about 40 sec next two were 2 min about 30 sec then last one was 4 min apart lasted 50 sec.

2.37pm

Last one just now was very strong. Especially when I breathe out. Ya have bits of blood on pad not a lot.

Your Mommy called me to update me and her surges were clearly picking up. I asked if she would like to monitor for a while more before deciding if we should meet at the hospital and she said ok.


In less than 10 mins, your grandma called to say that they are leaving for the hospital now and I said I will meet them there.

3.50pm Daddy smses

Ok thanks. I spoke to her mom and they are also on their way. Please keep me inform, I am really lost here.

We arrived at the hospital around 4pm and after the initial CTG run, your Mommy consented to an internal examination as it did seem as though she was going to deliver soon. 8cm dilated to our delight.

4.18pm Daddy smses

Hi any development?

During this time, I really wished your Daddy was here together with us. I had to support your mom and settle the logistics as well, which turned out to be somewhat of a comedy. As your grandma was busy settling admissions, your Mommy and I were very much alone in the delivery suite most of the time.

Her favourite position was to sit on the edge of the bed and lean forward during surges. A labouring woman can be very strong and have a lot of weight and as she peed during surges, the floor was all wet, making it more challenging for me to hold her weight up.

At the same time, I needed to go to the store to take the birthing stool, the foam mats etc and prepare the room for the birth. However, because I was alone with your Mommy and your Daddy was not around, I could not and depended on the nurses to do the job. And the nurses pushed it to the housekeeper, so it took us several attempts before we got what we wanted – which was the birthing stool and foam mats instead of an ikea stool!

During this time, your Mommy’s urges to bear down were getting stronger and stronger. At one point I had to ask her to go on all fours on the bed to see if I could see your head emerging. It was very uncomfortable for her and she quickly reverted back to sitting on the edge of the bed.

When we got the birth stool in place, your Mommy moved to the birth stool and tried to find a comfortable position. Another internal examination was done and your Mommy was fully dilated and your head was very low. Yay!

I suggested using squats and sitting positions to help your head descend lower and faster, and your Mommy reported that the surges were more intense when she squatted. We decided to wait for Dr. Paul to come before doing more squats. It wasn’t long before your head was visible when I notified the nurses.

And your Mommy was doing so well that we had to encourage her to blow out to stretch the perineum whilst waiting for Dr. Paul to arrive, and he did very shortly after. Within moments, you were born at 5.18pm!

Your grandma stepped in at that moment and all our eyes welled up in tears of joy. After we moved your Mommy and you to the bed, I excitedly called your Daddy.

5.31pm

Thank you and god bless, I am in tears aof joy and sadness. Can I trouble you to take a pix and email to me? Thank you.
(Bridge: Armando's sms to Ginny)

5.45pm Daddy smsed

Sorry we do not have the facilities here, email is best, thank you. Can you tell me weight and size and mom and baby is ok?

5.51pm Daddy smsed

We thank you so much.


What a beautiful moment, and I am honoured and grateful to have been invited to be part of this gentle welcoming.

Val, you are truly blessed!

With love, light & joy, and hugs and kisses of course,

Aunty Ginny xox

sleepless nights and val's birth story

-Val's umbilical cord fell off at midnight


*warning: this is an uber long entry

It's 430am. I'm awake. Welcome to the world of parenting. Baby Val has been diagnosed with jaundice and we'd rented a home photolight therapy to get his bilirubin levels down but after 3 days, it was still as high so we continued the treatment and later today, we'll be trooping down to the polyclinic once more to check his levels. I really pray he will be fine now. Cos of his therapy,we've had to stay watch over him to make sure he doesn't rip off his eye mask and get exposed to the lights. that's why the sleepless nights.

it was 12 days ago at this time in the morning when i had woken up to go to the loo. it was the usual pregnant women's need for the loo and nothing extraordinary. but an hour later, i suddenly felt the need to rouse again, and then i heard a 'pop' in my ear. i immediately recalled how Ginny had said that some women hear the 'pop' before their waters burst. lo and behold. i felt a wetness and the minute i stood up, waters began to trickle down.

yikes! shucks! this is waaay too early! Val had not even made it to the 38th week yet! i rushed to the loo, sat down to collect myself, and then decided to wake my mom up. I tried calling Ginny but there was no answer. Obviously! it's 530am! As my mom and i began packing, I called Ginny again and this time we spoke. She advised me to go to the hospital just to check the baby's condition. I also called Mt Alvernia and the nurse also asked me to go down, but not to rush - first take a shower and some breakfast. She gave me till 7am. Then i tried to page for Doc paul. The operator said he was on leave! can't be! i was supposed to see him for a weekly checkup later today so how could be not be back! Please try again, i implored her. More packing, then a shower, breakfast, and then a short lie-down as my parents got dressed and ready. Dang. should have packed my bags but hey, i was thinking to pack it when Armando arrived on Sunday! my birthplan! not printed out yet! how? i shoved the thumbdrive into the bag, and packed my relaxation cd. Finally it was 630ish - no more midnight surcharge, now can take taxi. (haha... )

All this while i was so comfortable (except for the trickle down under), and did not feel any strong contractions at all. Val was moving now and then. When we arrived, a Filipino attendant made me sit in a wheelchair to wheel me to the delivery suite despite my protests. I was fine, i said. He said, no no, if they knew your waters broke and i didn't wheel you in, i'll get into trouble. Okay, i won't fight this battle.

GOt into delivery suite one and was hooked up to the monitor for 30 minutes. The nurse did an VE on me and declared me ZERO dilated and effaced, although the contractions were regular, they were very mild. Okay so what next? They asked me to stay on for the rest of the day but i was doubtful that my cervix would open up in such an environment. The nurse said 'you can ambulate in your ward room' Duh...what? WALK is walk, why use technical terms like ambulate??? I was afraid that staying in the hospital might delay the onset of labour and lead to further complications. I called Ginny and she said i should be able to return home but i have to monitor baby. I was really a lil confused at this point in time. how? what shall i do? my husband wasn't around, only my folks were. so the responsibility of making the RIGHT decision was squarely on my shoulders. No one to share the burden with. My mom was worried and preferred me to stay. Luckily Doc Paul called me and he was reassuring me that it's ok to return home but of course i have to make sure baby moved now and then. There was great pressure to say the least. I mean, to be extra safe, i should stay at the hospital but.......somehow i decided to listen to my heart and left for home.

Despite their fears, my parents were supportive and didn't question my decision which helped. We went home, i rested; listened to the affirmations and rainbow relaxation cd and fell asleep. I was feeling Val move occasionally which really reassured me. I woke up at noon for brown rice porridge, still feeling so well and comfortable. There were only the mild contractions. Went back to bed. Ginny's advice was not to force anything but allow the body to do its work so don't hurry it cos she knew i was anxious to avoid a medically-induced birth. If labour didn't set in within 24 hours, there would be more questions of antibiotics and induction to consider, so i was really EAGERLY waiting for stronger surges.

Finally at about 2ish, i had to get out of bed and began using different methods to cope with the increasing intensity. All this while, they felt like menstrual cramps. I walked, i sat on the birth ball, i went to my parent's room to talk. I laid down and began timing my surges - not easy when you trying to do it with an analog watch and alone! I think my parents were asleep then. I began messaging Ginny more regularly from 230pm onwards. She kept asking me to time the contractions and note their intensity. Nearing towards 3pm, i needed to labour with my head on the birth ball that was on my bed. I asked my mom to give me the light touch massage which she learnt during one of the hypnobirthing classes. When the surges intensified, i felt so encouraged and so happy that labour was kicking in. WOW! WEE! Yes, finally! I really welcomed them with open arms - which explains why i felt so positive throughout. I remember my mom asking me "is it getting more painful?" i immediately asked her not to ask me how "painful" but to ask how far along or how was my progress. I had to remind her not to suggest any pain because i truly was not feeling any.

By now, the surges were resembling the strong need to pass motion. With every surge, i felt this lurge forward, and a push onto my colon. Suddenly, a strong surge hit me, and my uterus felt like it was 'roti prata' dough that was being pounded by the roti prata man (close your eyes and visualise the man twacking a ball of dough before he spreads it out on the hot pan) - it was definitely being massaged very very strongly and i knew that it was very differnet from before. By then, i couldn't call Ginny and my ma had to tell her to meet us at the hospital.

As we were approaching the lift, a huge surge like a wave hit me, and i let myself go with it. My knees went weak and i squatted on the floor. My mom (i think she was terrified but very calm) held on to me. Eventually we made it downstairs and go onto a taxi towards Mt Alvernia. Thank God there was smooth traffic. There were 3-4 surges that came during the ride. Mom kept touching my arm and saying 'relax' and she asked sang to Val to comfort me. All this really helped me to focus inward and breathe correctly. All this while i had been using the deep breathing method which was really effective.

At the hospital, Ginny greeted me and i told her 'i can't walk' but there was no wheelchair in sight (how ironic!) and we had to walk to the lift where i was hit by another incredible surge again. I grabbed the handle bars and squatted and kneeled on the floor. I think the other passengers were agog at the sight. Then 3rd floor came and we had to walk in, and guess what, this time i was assigned room TEN! i remember thinking, bloody ironic this, having to walk all the bloody way there when i was wheeled in this morning! Wit ginny and ma on either side, i managed to crouch, shuffle, walk, (crawl? nah.hahah) into suite 10.

Immediately i sat down at the edge of the bed and began labouring by clinging onto Ginny's arm like a rebozo. Then a nurse came in and requested to do a VE. It was 4pm then, and I was already 8cm! Phew! what a relief! i remember thinking that, as i thought perhaps i was 3-4cm dilated only! That gave me a lot of positive motivation and i continued to ride each wave listening to the affirmation cd that was playing in the background. Ginny asked me to just 'let go' and ride each surge so i did - which meant all my muscles were relaxed and ermmm... yup, all my pee came out when 2 huge surges hit me.

I apologised profusely cos i was dripping on her shoes. She said, "it's ok, these are my birth shoes" even in my labour mode, i remember looking down and noticing that these were green BIRKENSTOCKS. Dang! i thought, her birthshoes sure are expensive stuff! haha...yup, trivial thoughts like these i think kept me in a positive mood.

Soon, Ginny began calling the housekeeper to bring out the birthing stool. This is the 'highlight' of our birth story cos it was so comic. The housekeeper came in first with a huge birth ball and Ginny had to reject it and said , 'birth stool'. She then came in with................... an IKEA plastic stool! wahahaha... *LOL* I think if i wasn't so 'into' my labour, i would have cracked up or if i weren't so relaxed i might have gotten angry and let out a few expletives. But i think, instead, i just observed this scene from a rather 'out of body' state of mind. Then, finally at the third try, the birth stool arrived and we moved over to it.

It was simply GREAT birthing on the stool - it was so natural, just like passing motion haha. The space beneath my rectum gave me a lot of relief, and as Ginny stood behind me, i continued to lurge forward whenever a surge came on. A few minutes later, they checked me and i was FULLY dilated! This was about 440pm. Wow! They shone a torch up (ya, it was quite interesting to observe hospital staff on their fours peering up you with a torch), but baby's head was nowhere in sight. Ginny then asked me to go into a squatting position while she sat on the stool. This we had learnt in class and saw a video of. INCREDIBLE! The immediate effect of the squat could be felt the minute i spread my legs and squatted. But it was a tough position for me to be in, cos i felt so heavy (literally baby was so far down), that my bottom was almost touching the floor. We only managed two surges in this position before retreating back to the sitting position. Ginny then asked me to switch to j-breath to breathe the baby down. There we go ---- this was really like passing motion cos i had been practising the j-breath whenever i visited the loo. A quick breath in, and a looooong breath out to ease him along. We kept doing this, meanwhile, there was a small frenzy when Ginny peered up and saw a coin size bit of Val's head. Immediately, the nurses began to hurry in and they called Doc Paul to come quickly!

This bit here i can't quite remember well but i do remember them suddenly asking me to slow down my breathing. I wasn't allowed to squat anymore cos baby could slip out anytime. Ginny asked me to switch to small breaths instead to prolong (!) while we waited for Doc Paul. I heard the nurses go 'doc paul's parking his car now, wait hang on hang on'. Ma stood outside and waved out to Doc Paul while he ran into my delivery suite. He didn't even have time to slip into the delivery Phua Chu kang boots but immediately went on his knees and began coaching me calmly. He asked me to slow down too and give controlled breathing. I went back into j-breaths again, while he did something down below (i can't see!) but i believe he was stretching my perineum. It was at this stage that i began to feel the 'stinging sensation' that has been well documented by many mothers. I remember feeling a bit scared cos the thought of tearing came into my mind. But Doc paul was very calming, and kept encouraging me ' very good, you're very controlled, that's good' he said. Finally, he decided baby was ready and asked me to give a big breath.

On his command, I gave a hloong breath out and then suddenly i felt the pressure suddenly ease down under as Val slipped out. Wah..................relief.......he was there! I couldn't believe it! So dark, so scrunched up, so cute. They wrapped him up and we waddled together (with him still on the cord) up onto the bed. I was so lucid i couldn't believe it. They tried to place Val on my breast but his cord was too short so he stayed on my tummy while Doc Paul waited for my placenta to be 'birthed'. Then he gave a mild tug and 'plop' the placenta went into the kidney dish waiting and the kind doctor stitched me up saying i had a long but very superficial tear of my perineum.

Val was initially quiet until they massaged his feet and then he opened his lil mouth and began crying! Wow! He was so small but his lungs were so powerful. in fact, the lil un didn't stop crying for 2 hours until he was warmed up. Val was very 'clean' when delivered, without the usual vernix and with very lil fat. He was only 2.37 kg which was surprising as the ultrasound scan at 35 weeks had predicted he should be heavier than 2.6kg.

And so.........at 1718 hours, my lil angel came to me, slipping out easily as i had visualised. I am so thankful that the entire labour was so comfortable and so speedy. Looking back, i think the main factor was that i had WELCOMED the surges and went 'yes yes yes' when they began intensifying. My motivation was to see Val birth naturally so surges became my allies. They were never fearful like what so many women have described to me; they also didn't go round to the back as books/magazines have said. I asked Ginny about this and she simply said that hypnobirth moms simply experience contractions very differently because of the relaxation methods.

I am a convert to hypnobirthing......but above all, i completely believe in a FEARLESS childbirth. Without fear, a lot can be accomplished. Childbirth can be so natural and such a wonderful experience. Have i bored you to tears by now?? :-)

P/s: Val's bilirubin levels have dropped dramatically. Hurrah!

oops i'm out!

here i come! 37 Weeks and 5 days!
Originally uploaded by tumbleweeed

In a nutshell, the babe was too impatient to wait for daddy to arrive so he came on 13th December 2007, at 518pm after an incredibly short labour. I will blog more about the details. Suffice to say it was .............

SMOOTH
EASY
COMFORTABLE
HYPNOBIRTH
Totally DRUG-FREE!

It is possible to have a FEARLESS childbirth!

Thank you LORD for blessing us with an incredible birth experience. Thank you GINNY my amazing doula who was my pillar of strength (literally! will explain in later posts), Thank you MAMA and PAPA for being there for me telling me to RELAX and to SMILE through my labour. Thank you ARMANDO for also being there in spirit and prayer even though u could not be there physically.

AMEN! HALLELUJAH!

Woow weee.... and diaper-free

Yeah, that's how i feel about my baby's impending arrival! Woowwweee. I suddenly saw the counter and realised it's only 18 days more (!!!) and in fact it could be anytime. I'm still the Energizer Bunny, zipping about everywhere buying this and that, and also (more typically me) lapping up books and more books - some childbirth and parenting related, others not. I re-read Charlie and the chocolate factory, the English Patient, and just started Mother Teresa's Come Be my light.

Thanks to my doula's extensive library, i've also been reading some great natural childbirth/parenting books, plus the latest one called DIAPER-FREE! Natural Infant Hygiene. It's a great book that i recommend to anyone who's keen to reduce their environmental footprint, but most importantly to learn to understand your baby more intensely. It's basically about how we can observe our babies from the start, to understand when they need to pee and poo and then help them do it without their diapers. In a nutshell, these babies go diaper-free from as early as four months, responding to their parents' sounds of shhh and caca (or other grunting sounds) to pee and poo. Instead of toilet training, this is the opposite - it's about using their natural instincts instead of dulling their natural instincts and teaching them to sit in wet diapers (yucks!). i remembered a friend of mine telling me exactly the same thing. She had her baby in South America, and the women there couldn't understand why she needed diapers for her baby and when she asked them why they didn't need diapers, they said 'this is your baby, surely you should know when he/she needs to go? no?'

Intrigued, i shared the book with my mom and she affirmed that this was what my nanny did to us too! She said that by three months, my nanny was stripping us off and making regular pee and poo sounds, so by four months we were also pretty much off diapers and could indicate our toilet needs. Isn't that cool? and actually it's so matter of fact and natural for people in many parts of the world. This is yet another encouragement for me to reduce the environmental footprint too. Cos before thinking diaper free, i was already considering cloth diapering, especially thinking of bring baby back to Timor. Imagine the disposable diaper rubbishload i would be creating everyday and where to dispose them of, when you think that pigs would be rooting through your rubbish! Yikes.

Anyways, i'll have three months here to experiment with this new (old) method of going diaper-free. The book warns of setbacks and regression, etc, but hey, at least now i know what signs to look out for, which will make breastfeeding and interaction with the baby doubly-fun and intriguing. I won't flog myself if i do not succeed, but luckily i have a supportive mom who is willing to go cloth diapering with my baby like she did with me and my sis. I know that most women these days give up cloth diapers cos it's simply too much trouble. Cloth diapering for me is the first step, the next is to go diaper-free!

Oh oh, by the way, i MUST share this with you. Susana (who is Portuguese married to a Timorese) left a beautiful note on my flickr site. She says that in Portugal old people say "ter uma boa hora" or HAVE A GOOD HOUR when it comes to birthing babies. Isn't that absolutely fantastic?

it's all in the mind

my birth affirmations
Originally uploaded by tumbleweeed

just as an athelete visualises her 'win' in whatever sport, i am now practising visualisation and affirmation to assist me in natural childbirth. One of the underlying philosophy of all the childbirth books i have read (Christian and non-christian) is the idea that FEAR does a lot to impede a natural childbirth. I have to say that i agree with this very much. Ever since i announced my intention to have a natural, drug-free birth, i have had no lack of (well-intentioned) mothers ply me with their scary birth stories and their determination to drive home to me the idea that childbirth is so painful. I have to politely tell them "thank you, but please i don't need to hear your stories". I don't care how your birth went, thank you very much, because my birth story will be MINE. each and every experience will be different. While i may not have birthed yet, and i cannot dispute what they say, i do now understand why so many women go into labour with so much fear. Afterall, they have been programmed to fear after listening to so many bad experiences!

And so, i am putting fear ASIDE (see the first red card), and learning methods of deep relaxation. I am preparing for this childbirth with as much diligence as i can.................from mental preparation (listening to birth affirmations, deep relaxation, reading up books, taking classes) to physical preparation (yoga, swimming, stairs climbing, walking). I do know how important physical stamina will be during labour, especially those that are long drawn. But as one book Supernatural Childbirth also reminds, it is about having faith in God and trusting him to deliver my baby with ease and comfort. So i am also praying a lot, and infact, i so enjoy going to mass and receiving the eucharist and asking God to bless baby. I talk to baby a lot now and ask him to be my birth 'partner' cos he knows best how to slip out of my body. Dr Paul reminded me that baby does know best after i told him how i have tried to bring him to an optimal fetal position (left side of my body) and baby repeatedly turned back to his favourite position which is on my right. So for now, i won't fret too much about his position but pray that when the time comes, all will be fine. One of the birth affirmation cards is to TRUST my baby and my body to work together. I do so believe in that.

Writing these cards has been a powerful move for me. I forget how visual a person i am until after i had written them down. Today while i was swimming, the words just kept resurfacing in my mind as i did the laps. This is so exciting and i am really looking forward to welcome my baby into this world. Who would have expected that the simple act of BREATHING well can make such a difference between an easier birth and a laborious one?

Ready, get set, go!

red shoes
Originally uploaded by tumbleweeed

it all became very real yesterday when the ladies in the office threw a sweet baby shower for me and M. when i picked up the pair of small shoes, something just melted in my heart. i mean, it's cliched huh but really, holding the pair of tiny sandals sent a frisson of excitement down me spine........imagine the lil 'un fitting into these! now i know how moms-to-be get so excited shopping for stuff - something i have started doing since i've just simply decided to wait till i return home to do so.

And that will be soon - Monday i jet home, and wait for nearly 7 weeks before baby arrives. Some people say "why do u leave so early?" Actually i could have delayed the departure till week 35, but with the ongoing power blackouts, i am now real glad i made the decision to leave. I have slept badly for the past week, but thankfully i still feel strong. I just can't wait to return home, sleep with my windows WIDE open without mossie nets, and with no fear of contracting malaria or dengue.......ah......

I return home in time for the November hypnobirthing class which i'm really looking forward to. i've read so much about it, and am positively gearing up for baby's birth so that i can 'breathe' him out calmly instead of screaming my head off.... Speaking of which, the 'lil one has also been performing crazy somersaults in my tummy the past week. When we saw Dr J on 2nd Nov, he was head down, but today his head is back up again. How do i know? Cos his hiccups gave him away! Last week, his hiccups came very very low, almost below the bump, today, it was right on top! so despite being clueless at identifying all the body parts he's been exhibiting, at least i can decipher his hiccups and head position. The swollen legs and constipation has eased too thanks to his head turning back up again....altho i do wish that when it's time for him to go back again, he will!

There she blows!

I finally spotted a WHALE after so many afternoons spent squinting out at sea. We went up for a quick walk up to Jesus yesterday evening, and as we were stretching at the edge of the viewing point, a jogger said she had heard there was a whale in the vicinity. Despite the setting sun, A. and I decided to just hang on for a bit in case we did see one. We were staring out in the horizon, expecting to see a dramatic spurt of water to give the whale's position away. Instead, as we were chatting we suddenly heard a loud "psshhhh" sound really near to us! The whale was only right below us! You know, that rock where you can walk down to pose for pictures? Well, the whale was just right below! And he/she kept circling the area for a while, making that "pssshhh" sound a few times before finally disappearing. We only saw the dark strip of its back, and it never did the dramatic water fountain trick or breached out of water unlike the humpbacks i saw in Hawaii 5 years ago when i volunteered for a whale count. I kept shouting, "Hey whale, do your stuff. don't be lazy." A. thought I was mad. So there. I have seen a whale in Timor. 6 days before i go home. Now, i just need to see those blistering dolphins! Arggh.....

Being pregnant in Timor has afforded me insight into the perils of pregnancy, as well as the sheer miracle of each and every baby born, and each and every surviving mom. Take a look at the statistics: Timorese women bear an average of 7.8 children in their lifetime; for every 100,000 babies born, as many as 800 women die in childbirth; for every 1000 babies born, 60 won't get to celebrate their first birthdays while 125 don't survive beyond age five.

I tell my husband that he is a true miracle because first, (like all babies in the world) he was conceived after a very competitive and strong sperm struggled upstream ahead of million others to couple with a compatible egg. Then, his mother successfully carried him to term despite her severely malnourished state of health which could have resulted in miscarriage or premature birth. When it was time for him to arrive, his mom was probably aided by local mid-wives who delivered him in less than optimum conditions, laid him on the ground on dirty clothes, severed his umbilical cord with a blade, tied it up with string, and then dried the husar with hot ash from a bamboo. (Watch Feto Nia Funu to see this still being practised in modern days) He could have been infected with newborn tetanus, or severe jaundice, or contracted a million different kinds of diseases that couldn't be treated but he didn't. Instead he thrived.

From the time he was three, the country had plunged into civil war and Dili was right in the heart of it as Fretilin, UDT and other parties were embroiled in a power struggle. When the Indonesians arrived (on my husband's birthday 7 December), they promptly began an extermination exercise - primarily aimed at anyone with Chinese blood (Chinese=communist) or anyone associated with the resistance. Chinese were brutally slaughtered, especially in Maubara. My husband was then four years old. He says his dad dug a hole under a bed and hid him there. His family which is half Timorese Chinese, and half ethnic Timorese miraculously escaped the bloodshed. Food was scarce during the occupation. A. recalls how his father managed to feed the nine children: he would shoo all the kids out of the kitchen before mealtimes so that he could apportion all the little food they had equally. A. laughs when he talks about how his younger brother would distract the little sister in order to pinch food off her plate. In 1979, when A. was 8, he was taken to Australia with his grandmother who passed off as his mom. There, he began a new life as a refugee, separated from his parents for nearly 20 years before finally reuniting with them in 2000.

So, that is why I am constantly reminded of how miraculous each Timorese birth is: when 70% of babies are still born in unclean conditions and when nearly half of those under five years of age are malnourished and too short of their age.

(Figures quoted were fished out from the recesses of my mind. Don't ask me where i quote from cos this is not an academic journal!)

One dollar

With baby's impending arrival, we decided to get out for some twosome time on Sunday at the beach. After church,we sped to the market, grabbed a chicken, then went home to prepare toasted chicken & avocado sandwiches, spicy thai mango salad, and sliced pinpinhos (cucumbers)for our picnic. We were still undecided which beach to hit but when we turned the corner and stared out at Dollar Beach, it was simply too irresistible to pass. So we unloaded and set up our huge beach umbrella and got down to business. A. even brought along a mahjong table which he converted into a picnic table with a nice tablecloth! I was quite surprised. The tide was in making for a gorgeous swim.. the water was so refreshing, the turquoise shades with the white sand just made our afternoon seem quite out of the ordinary. Once again, i am reminded of why i still love Timor even though there are days that get me down. The sea, the sand, the mountains... ah..... Oh why is Dollar Beach called Dollar Beach? I heard that during the first UN Mission, there were locals who used to charge the malaes one dollar for using the beach here. In exchange, the locals built shelters and kept the place clean. But one day, jealous neighbours razed their shelters down and that was the end of Dollar Beach's heydays.

On our way back, i finally mustered up the courage to buy a bag of sea coconuts (do other people call them that?) from the kids along the road. I used to have these in Cambodia but never tried the ones here. So we bought a big pack for $1 and i went home to slave over them.... they are not easy to skin! Basically, these are palm fruits filled with juice and the flesh taste like coconut. They are often processed, sweetened and added into desserts. You have to skin them, take out the seeds and then chill them with honey. I ran out of banin-been so i just added some rock sugar.

The ride out to Dollar Beach also brought us past the Metinaro IDP camp... it's been a long while since i last ventured this way. The camp's really spread out now and the tents don't look like tents anymore, the entire area resembles a village now. I was taken by the numerous Fretilin flags fluttering in the air. It was actually a pretty nice sight if you look down from a high point.

ORDEAL..........

Last night I perfected the wrist and upper arm moves essential to get the maximum breeze out of a paper fan on the right hand, and the wide arm swings to work the mossie bat on the left limb. The power had gone off yet again in Becora at 10pm. Usually it comes back on at midnight but last night, the electric fan didn’t whirl back to life at 12. I sat in the darkness, a candle flickering in the toilet, my husband asleep(he can sleep through any heat), while I nursed a sore back and a steadily rising body temperature.

I opened all the windows but not the slightest breeze stirred through the mossie nets to afford me relief. I fanned myself, nodding off with exhaustion and heat; occasionally jumping up when the mossie bat sparked when it collided with a winged creature that had managed to find its way into our room. ‘Piak piak piak.’Outside on the mango tree, a gecko called out. Their trademark cries always sounded like an expletive to me, “*uck you, *uck you”. I counted the number of times it cried out. A. always said that the geckos don’t go beyond 7 cries. This old gecko always seems to run out of steam by the sixth call, its last throaty vibration trailing off weakly.

I was so tired, I desperately wanted to crawl into bed but the moment I touched the bed, beads of perspiration broke out on my back. I fanned even more vigorously, giving me some relief but I knew the ‘exercise’ would make me even hotter. I can’t lie on my back these days as the ‘ball’ in front of me is simply too heavy and presses right into my back. So I tried to lean to the left but baby has a mind of his own, he hates this because his legs are squashed. He protests by kicking and stretches widely in all directions, stepping on my bladder and made me so uncomfortable I had to get up.

I’m back on the plastic chair, both hands in motion again, praying silently that the power would come back on. Another gecko called out. This time it’s a younger gecko. How could I tell? It just sounded more energetic and it actually made 7 cries robustly. Wow! Is this my lucky night then? Perhaps the power might come back soon. But no, the gecko’s cries were met with more silence. The full moon cast its light onto our bed, shining like a faint torch onto A’s legs. He slept so peacefully. I cast a jealous glance at him, wishing I could be the same but instead I was fretting over mossie bites while drenched in sweat.

I grew more and more desperate. I asked myself, ‘What if you weren’t pregnant? What would you do?’ I knew that I wouldn’t care less if I got bitten if I weren’t preggers, and I probably wouldn’t be heating up like I was. Suddenly, hot tears of anger sprung from my tired eyes. My breath was caught, and I started sobbing, the frustration flowing out. I thought to myself, ‘You can’t even deal with this heat, what would you do when baby is back in Timor with you and the power is like this again?’ At that thought, I got even more depressed and the sobs grew louder. Suddenly, A. stirred and got up. He sighed heavily, took over the fan and mossie bat and began his sentry duty. I felt so awful having woken him up, but also half glad because I wasn’t alone. At first, his unpractised hand could not yield a good breeze but after a few minutes, a cooling breeze swept over my hot body. I manage to calm down and enjoyed the moment, lying on my side while apologising for waking him up. He grunted in response, still half-asleep. I don’t know how long he fanned but eventually he got tired and I took the fan back. He fell back to bed and was in dreamland promptly.

Alone again. I was not as hot as before so I kept as still as possible to maintain my body temperature. Then I felt an itch on the sole of my feet and realised I had been bitten. Frustration swept over me again, while I used the other foot to relief the desperate itch. Ahhh! I felt like screaming. Then suddenly, something stirred to life – the fan! The lights in the rooms flickered on and the air-conditioner woke up. Yes! I hurried to shut the windows and fell back onto bed to enjoy the moving air. My joy was short-lived as five minutes later, silence greeted me again. By then, I was too exhausted to care, lying on my bed in defeat; miraculously 30 minutes later power came back again. I caught a glance at the time, 2am, and finally fell off into slumber.

I’m such a wimp.

p/s: the power sucks these days cos the 4.5mgwatt generator is down and the government is still in the process of repairing it. 4 more generators will be purchased by end of the year. I got this info from the newspapers yesterday...in case anyone is wondering why we're living in the dark ages here in oil rich timor.

The Hand Part II

'was browsing through my old entries and was amused by the one about A & my attempt to make humus from scratch. So yesterday while making avocado-garlic bread we decided to make Part II of THE HAND. Avocados are in season now but they're expensive in Dili, if we were in Ermera, a whole basketful sometimes only cost $1! But here, 5 of them can cost $1.

Growth spurts

It's Saturday and i've just had a glorious 1.5 hour swim in the saltwater pool at the Esplanada.. This week the pool's been cleaned so i actually dared to put my head in for a good legs and arms workout! Over the months, the staff there have seen my progress and how the bub has grown significantly larger. The past 4 weeks have been particularly spectacular I must say, with my weight also going northwards. I've decided to stop wearing my maternity-cum-nursing tops so i won't overstretch them, and thankfully J passed me a whole bag of maternity hand-me-downs 2 weeks ago and i've found new treasures in them.

The growth spurt has had me a 'lil worried as i've been gaining more than the 0.5kg a week - sometimes 1kg a week! Doc J has cautioned me to watch my diet and take note of my blood pressure in case i develop pre-eclempsia, a common condition that occurs at about week 30 (which is now!). Strangely, i've not felt more awkward, instead more energetic, and could even climb up to Cristo Rei twice at a time (that's once more than my dear husband!). I've also not been eating my usual 5 meals a day but have dropped back to 3 meals...still the scales have been giving a stubborn upward trend (for the last week i have measured my weight daily with 2 different electronic scales!) So i can only conclude that the 'lil man inside of me is really packing on the pounds. Perhaps it is the uber-nutritious herbal chicken soup and the birds nest i've been taking every week that's making him grow so quickly? I don't know. Anyways, i've put on 11 kg so far! I still remember how people used to remark how small my tummy was when i first began swimming at Esplanada... back then i worried that i was too small, now, i worry i'm too big! I just know that it's never easy to predict if a person will get a big bump or not judging from the first 4 months.

Okay, gotta get back to work now.... (the original reason why i went back to the office!) and then home to make more yummy chicken soup and hit the mat for prenatal yoga! Go girl!

Updates.............

On the dastardly Timor Telecom - I finally managed to get through to Apoio TT at 6pm yesterday and was told that the $20 i topped up had already been accepted but their SMS system was in such a haywired state that they couldn't inform us. But wait, at 6pm, I had $42 in my account.....with $40 of that due to the top-up. Now... that's impossible that i only had $2 before i topped up. Strange... and i heard unconfirmed rumours that TT slapped on a double charge for sms and phone calls on 17th october. Is that true? I don't know but man.... this whole anniversary celebration has been a fiasco...

On a brighter note, just wanted to point out that Jason has some wonderful pictures of Hope Orphanage from his recent visit. Click on these links to see his blog and his photos! Nice pictures Jason! Wished you were back here for longer and also that you had informed me earlier! Come back soon.........

jammed

so Timor Telecom really sucks..... it sent out this message on 17th October promising a 100% recharge value for anyone who tops up their pulsa on the day - to celebrate its anniversary . what do you know? the telephone lines got so badly jammed up the ENTIRE day and night that i could not even call people at all. I had to sms to stay in touch the entire day and by the evening, smses were coming back to me about 4 hours delayed. Needless to say, the 2 forlorn $10 cards i bought still cannot be recharged (it's 930am on 18th October!)SCAM i say! TT - if you intend to give something to the people, make sure your bandwidth is sufficient! There were also hordes of people jampacked at TT shops yesterday as they got the news that only pulsa charged up at the shop got the one-on-one offer. so you can imagine the mayhem TT set off. interestingly, during the 2006 crisis when things went haywire, the sms service was still better than yesterday's dismal performance. So TT what happened???

Arrghh.... the bane of monopoly!

tick tock the clock doesn't stop

yikes.............. the days are counting down...as my lillypie ticker indicates but also because of the increasingly few days left at my work place since i have to get on a jet plane home before i get too 'big' and may be banned from flying... so i've been desperately finishing up work - - which is a loooot of writing and editing for the magazine that i am responsible for..

it's been a real joy to work on my brainchild - i never thought that one day i would have so much 'control' (power!!) over a publication and have that opportunity to decide what others get to read... but it also means needing a critical eye to look at my own writing to ensure that it's not crap i'm spewing out cos it will be read by so many others! This year, i took the leap to write a 2000 word article - my longest feature so far - and I think it's not a bad job! I don't think i would have ever gotten this chance to 'grow' in this sense had i not left home 2 years ago and landed on the shores of Timor. Only in this 'wild wild west' do impossible stuff happen. i don't know if you get what i mean, but yeah... your dreams can be realised here because this is a place of opportunity if you grab your chances.

But while it's been an elation, it's also been quite stressful too due to the lack of other writers i can tap on. For months i have been looking for interested writers (malae or local) through the Centre for Journalist but alas have found no one. i've at least gotten two locals in the office to contribute their writing which they did so with much hesitation - after I had arm-twisted them to write in Tetum. (p/s: these are timorese who were ex-journos)

Thankfully, i can read tetum (waaay better than speak it) and was able to translate their writing for editing purposes. While the content is great, i have to say that they really do need a lot more exposure to writing styles because of the banal stuff they are exposed to everyday in the dailies. What i've observed is that there's always the distinctive preamble of Timor as a sovereign state that regained its independence in 2002, some self-effacing statements, plus the rhetoric (almost poetic) lamentations of injustice..... and of course the lengthy sentences that seem to go on forever. It's probably unfair to judge with 2 articles, but hey, it's like that in the dailies too. The best Timorese writing i've read so far (i admit i have not read a loooot) was a piece from a senior high school student from St Joseph's College at Balide. A youth journalist who contributes to the STL, Ivonia wrote movingly (and without platitudes) when i asked her to relate her experience as an IDP in last year's publication. So there is hope....

i should stop writing now.... i still have 2 more articles to conquer by day's end...this was just a break from that... until the next entry, adios! (p/s: Timor Telecom is offering a one-on-one offer if we recharge our phone cards today!! yippeeee... i'm going to top up my phone now now now!)