Valiant Val

Photo by Uncle John

The best gift for Val

Okay so this sounds soppy but really, when i decided to 'splurge' on a doula and the hypnobirthing class, the only rationale i had was that it would probably be the best gift for my lil un. the amount isn't a trifle so i did give it quite a lot of thought and research. i read up on the Hypnobirthing book on my own to see if i could 'embrace' its philosophy and also emailed several people who took the classes for their opinions. IN the end, i made the decision and boy am i glad. Below is a letter from Auntie Ginny of Four Trimesters (www.fourtrimesters.com) to Baby Val to welcome him into the world. Touching for me to read 2 weeks after his birth.




Dear Val,


Your Mommy first contacted me via email when she was still living in East Timor. She was thinking of having a natural birth to welcome you in the gentlest way possible and found me through the internet. She later found out that some of her friends are also taking HypnoBirthing classes with me.

I first met your parents at the HypnoBirthing group class conducted at my home. Your daddy was sceptical but supportive and it seemed like he enjoyed the first class. Your maternal grandma attended the 2nd group class to learn how to support your mommy should your Daddy miss the birth being based in East Timor. Your Mommy and you are surrounded showered with love by supportive friends and family.

I met your Mommy 2 days before she went into labor for our first prenatal. I was pleasantly surprised that she had beautiful affirmation cards on post it notes stuck all over her poster, clearly, she was determined and motivated to have a short, easy, relaxed and comfortable birth.

13th December 2007

5.17am

Hi ginny my waters just broke.
(Bridge: my first sms to ginny)

Your Mommy called me shortly after and we went through her options. She could choose to stay at home and wait for the surges to pick up on its own or go to the hospital to check that your fetal heartrate is fine and have the option of heading home again if labor has not started. Your Daddy was still in East Timor at this point.

6.34am

Ok we going to hospital. Will update you later. I haven’t printed my birth plan.

6.51am

Ok I’ll see how the fetal monitoring is first. Drats hate the thought of a VE. They have to do it ya?

6.54am

Ok thks. Would u have any way of contacting him?
(Bridge: Trying to contact Doc Paul)

6.57am

Ok they tried to call him but no response. I’ll update you.

8.29am

Will the loss of waters endanger the baby?

8.32am

Ok still at hospital. Eating. I think my ma is worried. I’m sleepy. Just keep waiting for baby movement. So far he is active. My surges are there but not intense.

8.34am

The waters keep flowing. So its quite scary.

8.35am

Ok but very malu.

I found out later that your Mommy and your grandma hung around the hospital to wait and see if the surges will start, so they had breakfast there, before deciding to head home again.

10.06am

Hi I’m home and resting. Lying on side to relax. Surges still irregular but seem more intense yeah! Do you think you can help me print a copy of my birth plan? I dun have a printer here. I’ll update you more.

12.07pm Daddy smses

Hi Ginny how are you this is Armando in timor. Would you be able to keep me updated on Bridgette condition. I am trying to get a flight out.

1.24pm

I feel like something really trying to push through my butt when the surges come. Is that normal?

1.38pm Daddy smses

Thanks heaps I feel so helpless being so far away. Thank you for your kind assistance and please keep me updated.

2.07pm

Surges are getting more challenging. The push down to butt is very strong, din imagine that it would be like that.

2.08pm

Wait let me count
(Bridge: Ginny asked me for duration and intervals of surges)

2.27pm

First two were 4 min apart, about 40 sec next two were 2 min about 30 sec then last one was 4 min apart lasted 50 sec.

2.37pm

Last one just now was very strong. Especially when I breathe out. Ya have bits of blood on pad not a lot.

Your Mommy called me to update me and her surges were clearly picking up. I asked if she would like to monitor for a while more before deciding if we should meet at the hospital and she said ok.


In less than 10 mins, your grandma called to say that they are leaving for the hospital now and I said I will meet them there.

3.50pm Daddy smses

Ok thanks. I spoke to her mom and they are also on their way. Please keep me inform, I am really lost here.

We arrived at the hospital around 4pm and after the initial CTG run, your Mommy consented to an internal examination as it did seem as though she was going to deliver soon. 8cm dilated to our delight.

4.18pm Daddy smses

Hi any development?

During this time, I really wished your Daddy was here together with us. I had to support your mom and settle the logistics as well, which turned out to be somewhat of a comedy. As your grandma was busy settling admissions, your Mommy and I were very much alone in the delivery suite most of the time.

Her favourite position was to sit on the edge of the bed and lean forward during surges. A labouring woman can be very strong and have a lot of weight and as she peed during surges, the floor was all wet, making it more challenging for me to hold her weight up.

At the same time, I needed to go to the store to take the birthing stool, the foam mats etc and prepare the room for the birth. However, because I was alone with your Mommy and your Daddy was not around, I could not and depended on the nurses to do the job. And the nurses pushed it to the housekeeper, so it took us several attempts before we got what we wanted – which was the birthing stool and foam mats instead of an ikea stool!

During this time, your Mommy’s urges to bear down were getting stronger and stronger. At one point I had to ask her to go on all fours on the bed to see if I could see your head emerging. It was very uncomfortable for her and she quickly reverted back to sitting on the edge of the bed.

When we got the birth stool in place, your Mommy moved to the birth stool and tried to find a comfortable position. Another internal examination was done and your Mommy was fully dilated and your head was very low. Yay!

I suggested using squats and sitting positions to help your head descend lower and faster, and your Mommy reported that the surges were more intense when she squatted. We decided to wait for Dr. Paul to come before doing more squats. It wasn’t long before your head was visible when I notified the nurses.

And your Mommy was doing so well that we had to encourage her to blow out to stretch the perineum whilst waiting for Dr. Paul to arrive, and he did very shortly after. Within moments, you were born at 5.18pm!

Your grandma stepped in at that moment and all our eyes welled up in tears of joy. After we moved your Mommy and you to the bed, I excitedly called your Daddy.

5.31pm

Thank you and god bless, I am in tears aof joy and sadness. Can I trouble you to take a pix and email to me? Thank you.
(Bridge: Armando's sms to Ginny)

5.45pm Daddy smsed

Sorry we do not have the facilities here, email is best, thank you. Can you tell me weight and size and mom and baby is ok?

5.51pm Daddy smsed

We thank you so much.


What a beautiful moment, and I am honoured and grateful to have been invited to be part of this gentle welcoming.

Val, you are truly blessed!

With love, light & joy, and hugs and kisses of course,

Aunty Ginny xox

sleepless nights and val's birth story

-Val's umbilical cord fell off at midnight


*warning: this is an uber long entry

It's 430am. I'm awake. Welcome to the world of parenting. Baby Val has been diagnosed with jaundice and we'd rented a home photolight therapy to get his bilirubin levels down but after 3 days, it was still as high so we continued the treatment and later today, we'll be trooping down to the polyclinic once more to check his levels. I really pray he will be fine now. Cos of his therapy,we've had to stay watch over him to make sure he doesn't rip off his eye mask and get exposed to the lights. that's why the sleepless nights.

it was 12 days ago at this time in the morning when i had woken up to go to the loo. it was the usual pregnant women's need for the loo and nothing extraordinary. but an hour later, i suddenly felt the need to rouse again, and then i heard a 'pop' in my ear. i immediately recalled how Ginny had said that some women hear the 'pop' before their waters burst. lo and behold. i felt a wetness and the minute i stood up, waters began to trickle down.

yikes! shucks! this is waaay too early! Val had not even made it to the 38th week yet! i rushed to the loo, sat down to collect myself, and then decided to wake my mom up. I tried calling Ginny but there was no answer. Obviously! it's 530am! As my mom and i began packing, I called Ginny again and this time we spoke. She advised me to go to the hospital just to check the baby's condition. I also called Mt Alvernia and the nurse also asked me to go down, but not to rush - first take a shower and some breakfast. She gave me till 7am. Then i tried to page for Doc paul. The operator said he was on leave! can't be! i was supposed to see him for a weekly checkup later today so how could be not be back! Please try again, i implored her. More packing, then a shower, breakfast, and then a short lie-down as my parents got dressed and ready. Dang. should have packed my bags but hey, i was thinking to pack it when Armando arrived on Sunday! my birthplan! not printed out yet! how? i shoved the thumbdrive into the bag, and packed my relaxation cd. Finally it was 630ish - no more midnight surcharge, now can take taxi. (haha... )

All this while i was so comfortable (except for the trickle down under), and did not feel any strong contractions at all. Val was moving now and then. When we arrived, a Filipino attendant made me sit in a wheelchair to wheel me to the delivery suite despite my protests. I was fine, i said. He said, no no, if they knew your waters broke and i didn't wheel you in, i'll get into trouble. Okay, i won't fight this battle.

GOt into delivery suite one and was hooked up to the monitor for 30 minutes. The nurse did an VE on me and declared me ZERO dilated and effaced, although the contractions were regular, they were very mild. Okay so what next? They asked me to stay on for the rest of the day but i was doubtful that my cervix would open up in such an environment. The nurse said 'you can ambulate in your ward room' Duh...what? WALK is walk, why use technical terms like ambulate??? I was afraid that staying in the hospital might delay the onset of labour and lead to further complications. I called Ginny and she said i should be able to return home but i have to monitor baby. I was really a lil confused at this point in time. how? what shall i do? my husband wasn't around, only my folks were. so the responsibility of making the RIGHT decision was squarely on my shoulders. No one to share the burden with. My mom was worried and preferred me to stay. Luckily Doc Paul called me and he was reassuring me that it's ok to return home but of course i have to make sure baby moved now and then. There was great pressure to say the least. I mean, to be extra safe, i should stay at the hospital but.......somehow i decided to listen to my heart and left for home.

Despite their fears, my parents were supportive and didn't question my decision which helped. We went home, i rested; listened to the affirmations and rainbow relaxation cd and fell asleep. I was feeling Val move occasionally which really reassured me. I woke up at noon for brown rice porridge, still feeling so well and comfortable. There were only the mild contractions. Went back to bed. Ginny's advice was not to force anything but allow the body to do its work so don't hurry it cos she knew i was anxious to avoid a medically-induced birth. If labour didn't set in within 24 hours, there would be more questions of antibiotics and induction to consider, so i was really EAGERLY waiting for stronger surges.

Finally at about 2ish, i had to get out of bed and began using different methods to cope with the increasing intensity. All this while, they felt like menstrual cramps. I walked, i sat on the birth ball, i went to my parent's room to talk. I laid down and began timing my surges - not easy when you trying to do it with an analog watch and alone! I think my parents were asleep then. I began messaging Ginny more regularly from 230pm onwards. She kept asking me to time the contractions and note their intensity. Nearing towards 3pm, i needed to labour with my head on the birth ball that was on my bed. I asked my mom to give me the light touch massage which she learnt during one of the hypnobirthing classes. When the surges intensified, i felt so encouraged and so happy that labour was kicking in. WOW! WEE! Yes, finally! I really welcomed them with open arms - which explains why i felt so positive throughout. I remember my mom asking me "is it getting more painful?" i immediately asked her not to ask me how "painful" but to ask how far along or how was my progress. I had to remind her not to suggest any pain because i truly was not feeling any.

By now, the surges were resembling the strong need to pass motion. With every surge, i felt this lurge forward, and a push onto my colon. Suddenly, a strong surge hit me, and my uterus felt like it was 'roti prata' dough that was being pounded by the roti prata man (close your eyes and visualise the man twacking a ball of dough before he spreads it out on the hot pan) - it was definitely being massaged very very strongly and i knew that it was very differnet from before. By then, i couldn't call Ginny and my ma had to tell her to meet us at the hospital.

As we were approaching the lift, a huge surge like a wave hit me, and i let myself go with it. My knees went weak and i squatted on the floor. My mom (i think she was terrified but very calm) held on to me. Eventually we made it downstairs and go onto a taxi towards Mt Alvernia. Thank God there was smooth traffic. There were 3-4 surges that came during the ride. Mom kept touching my arm and saying 'relax' and she asked sang to Val to comfort me. All this really helped me to focus inward and breathe correctly. All this while i had been using the deep breathing method which was really effective.

At the hospital, Ginny greeted me and i told her 'i can't walk' but there was no wheelchair in sight (how ironic!) and we had to walk to the lift where i was hit by another incredible surge again. I grabbed the handle bars and squatted and kneeled on the floor. I think the other passengers were agog at the sight. Then 3rd floor came and we had to walk in, and guess what, this time i was assigned room TEN! i remember thinking, bloody ironic this, having to walk all the bloody way there when i was wheeled in this morning! Wit ginny and ma on either side, i managed to crouch, shuffle, walk, (crawl? nah.hahah) into suite 10.

Immediately i sat down at the edge of the bed and began labouring by clinging onto Ginny's arm like a rebozo. Then a nurse came in and requested to do a VE. It was 4pm then, and I was already 8cm! Phew! what a relief! i remember thinking that, as i thought perhaps i was 3-4cm dilated only! That gave me a lot of positive motivation and i continued to ride each wave listening to the affirmation cd that was playing in the background. Ginny asked me to just 'let go' and ride each surge so i did - which meant all my muscles were relaxed and ermmm... yup, all my pee came out when 2 huge surges hit me.

I apologised profusely cos i was dripping on her shoes. She said, "it's ok, these are my birth shoes" even in my labour mode, i remember looking down and noticing that these were green BIRKENSTOCKS. Dang! i thought, her birthshoes sure are expensive stuff! haha...yup, trivial thoughts like these i think kept me in a positive mood.

Soon, Ginny began calling the housekeeper to bring out the birthing stool. This is the 'highlight' of our birth story cos it was so comic. The housekeeper came in first with a huge birth ball and Ginny had to reject it and said , 'birth stool'. She then came in with................... an IKEA plastic stool! wahahaha... *LOL* I think if i wasn't so 'into' my labour, i would have cracked up or if i weren't so relaxed i might have gotten angry and let out a few expletives. But i think, instead, i just observed this scene from a rather 'out of body' state of mind. Then, finally at the third try, the birth stool arrived and we moved over to it.

It was simply GREAT birthing on the stool - it was so natural, just like passing motion haha. The space beneath my rectum gave me a lot of relief, and as Ginny stood behind me, i continued to lurge forward whenever a surge came on. A few minutes later, they checked me and i was FULLY dilated! This was about 440pm. Wow! They shone a torch up (ya, it was quite interesting to observe hospital staff on their fours peering up you with a torch), but baby's head was nowhere in sight. Ginny then asked me to go into a squatting position while she sat on the stool. This we had learnt in class and saw a video of. INCREDIBLE! The immediate effect of the squat could be felt the minute i spread my legs and squatted. But it was a tough position for me to be in, cos i felt so heavy (literally baby was so far down), that my bottom was almost touching the floor. We only managed two surges in this position before retreating back to the sitting position. Ginny then asked me to switch to j-breath to breathe the baby down. There we go ---- this was really like passing motion cos i had been practising the j-breath whenever i visited the loo. A quick breath in, and a looooong breath out to ease him along. We kept doing this, meanwhile, there was a small frenzy when Ginny peered up and saw a coin size bit of Val's head. Immediately, the nurses began to hurry in and they called Doc Paul to come quickly!

This bit here i can't quite remember well but i do remember them suddenly asking me to slow down my breathing. I wasn't allowed to squat anymore cos baby could slip out anytime. Ginny asked me to switch to small breaths instead to prolong (!) while we waited for Doc Paul. I heard the nurses go 'doc paul's parking his car now, wait hang on hang on'. Ma stood outside and waved out to Doc Paul while he ran into my delivery suite. He didn't even have time to slip into the delivery Phua Chu kang boots but immediately went on his knees and began coaching me calmly. He asked me to slow down too and give controlled breathing. I went back into j-breaths again, while he did something down below (i can't see!) but i believe he was stretching my perineum. It was at this stage that i began to feel the 'stinging sensation' that has been well documented by many mothers. I remember feeling a bit scared cos the thought of tearing came into my mind. But Doc paul was very calming, and kept encouraging me ' very good, you're very controlled, that's good' he said. Finally, he decided baby was ready and asked me to give a big breath.

On his command, I gave a hloong breath out and then suddenly i felt the pressure suddenly ease down under as Val slipped out. Wah..................relief.......he was there! I couldn't believe it! So dark, so scrunched up, so cute. They wrapped him up and we waddled together (with him still on the cord) up onto the bed. I was so lucid i couldn't believe it. They tried to place Val on my breast but his cord was too short so he stayed on my tummy while Doc Paul waited for my placenta to be 'birthed'. Then he gave a mild tug and 'plop' the placenta went into the kidney dish waiting and the kind doctor stitched me up saying i had a long but very superficial tear of my perineum.

Val was initially quiet until they massaged his feet and then he opened his lil mouth and began crying! Wow! He was so small but his lungs were so powerful. in fact, the lil un didn't stop crying for 2 hours until he was warmed up. Val was very 'clean' when delivered, without the usual vernix and with very lil fat. He was only 2.37 kg which was surprising as the ultrasound scan at 35 weeks had predicted he should be heavier than 2.6kg.

And so.........at 1718 hours, my lil angel came to me, slipping out easily as i had visualised. I am so thankful that the entire labour was so comfortable and so speedy. Looking back, i think the main factor was that i had WELCOMED the surges and went 'yes yes yes' when they began intensifying. My motivation was to see Val birth naturally so surges became my allies. They were never fearful like what so many women have described to me; they also didn't go round to the back as books/magazines have said. I asked Ginny about this and she simply said that hypnobirth moms simply experience contractions very differently because of the relaxation methods.

I am a convert to hypnobirthing......but above all, i completely believe in a FEARLESS childbirth. Without fear, a lot can be accomplished. Childbirth can be so natural and such a wonderful experience. Have i bored you to tears by now?? :-)

P/s: Val's bilirubin levels have dropped dramatically. Hurrah!

oops i'm out!

here i come! 37 Weeks and 5 days!
Originally uploaded by tumbleweeed

In a nutshell, the babe was too impatient to wait for daddy to arrive so he came on 13th December 2007, at 518pm after an incredibly short labour. I will blog more about the details. Suffice to say it was .............

SMOOTH
EASY
COMFORTABLE
HYPNOBIRTH
Totally DRUG-FREE!

It is possible to have a FEARLESS childbirth!

Thank you LORD for blessing us with an incredible birth experience. Thank you GINNY my amazing doula who was my pillar of strength (literally! will explain in later posts), Thank you MAMA and PAPA for being there for me telling me to RELAX and to SMILE through my labour. Thank you ARMANDO for also being there in spirit and prayer even though u could not be there physically.

AMEN! HALLELUJAH!

Woow weee.... and diaper-free

Yeah, that's how i feel about my baby's impending arrival! Woowwweee. I suddenly saw the counter and realised it's only 18 days more (!!!) and in fact it could be anytime. I'm still the Energizer Bunny, zipping about everywhere buying this and that, and also (more typically me) lapping up books and more books - some childbirth and parenting related, others not. I re-read Charlie and the chocolate factory, the English Patient, and just started Mother Teresa's Come Be my light.

Thanks to my doula's extensive library, i've also been reading some great natural childbirth/parenting books, plus the latest one called DIAPER-FREE! Natural Infant Hygiene. It's a great book that i recommend to anyone who's keen to reduce their environmental footprint, but most importantly to learn to understand your baby more intensely. It's basically about how we can observe our babies from the start, to understand when they need to pee and poo and then help them do it without their diapers. In a nutshell, these babies go diaper-free from as early as four months, responding to their parents' sounds of shhh and caca (or other grunting sounds) to pee and poo. Instead of toilet training, this is the opposite - it's about using their natural instincts instead of dulling their natural instincts and teaching them to sit in wet diapers (yucks!). i remembered a friend of mine telling me exactly the same thing. She had her baby in South America, and the women there couldn't understand why she needed diapers for her baby and when she asked them why they didn't need diapers, they said 'this is your baby, surely you should know when he/she needs to go? no?'

Intrigued, i shared the book with my mom and she affirmed that this was what my nanny did to us too! She said that by three months, my nanny was stripping us off and making regular pee and poo sounds, so by four months we were also pretty much off diapers and could indicate our toilet needs. Isn't that cool? and actually it's so matter of fact and natural for people in many parts of the world. This is yet another encouragement for me to reduce the environmental footprint too. Cos before thinking diaper free, i was already considering cloth diapering, especially thinking of bring baby back to Timor. Imagine the disposable diaper rubbishload i would be creating everyday and where to dispose them of, when you think that pigs would be rooting through your rubbish! Yikes.

Anyways, i'll have three months here to experiment with this new (old) method of going diaper-free. The book warns of setbacks and regression, etc, but hey, at least now i know what signs to look out for, which will make breastfeeding and interaction with the baby doubly-fun and intriguing. I won't flog myself if i do not succeed, but luckily i have a supportive mom who is willing to go cloth diapering with my baby like she did with me and my sis. I know that most women these days give up cloth diapers cos it's simply too much trouble. Cloth diapering for me is the first step, the next is to go diaper-free!

Oh oh, by the way, i MUST share this with you. Susana (who is Portuguese married to a Timorese) left a beautiful note on my flickr site. She says that in Portugal old people say "ter uma boa hora" or HAVE A GOOD HOUR when it comes to birthing babies. Isn't that absolutely fantastic?

it's all in the mind

my birth affirmations
Originally uploaded by tumbleweeed

just as an athelete visualises her 'win' in whatever sport, i am now practising visualisation and affirmation to assist me in natural childbirth. One of the underlying philosophy of all the childbirth books i have read (Christian and non-christian) is the idea that FEAR does a lot to impede a natural childbirth. I have to say that i agree with this very much. Ever since i announced my intention to have a natural, drug-free birth, i have had no lack of (well-intentioned) mothers ply me with their scary birth stories and their determination to drive home to me the idea that childbirth is so painful. I have to politely tell them "thank you, but please i don't need to hear your stories". I don't care how your birth went, thank you very much, because my birth story will be MINE. each and every experience will be different. While i may not have birthed yet, and i cannot dispute what they say, i do now understand why so many women go into labour with so much fear. Afterall, they have been programmed to fear after listening to so many bad experiences!

And so, i am putting fear ASIDE (see the first red card), and learning methods of deep relaxation. I am preparing for this childbirth with as much diligence as i can.................from mental preparation (listening to birth affirmations, deep relaxation, reading up books, taking classes) to physical preparation (yoga, swimming, stairs climbing, walking). I do know how important physical stamina will be during labour, especially those that are long drawn. But as one book Supernatural Childbirth also reminds, it is about having faith in God and trusting him to deliver my baby with ease and comfort. So i am also praying a lot, and infact, i so enjoy going to mass and receiving the eucharist and asking God to bless baby. I talk to baby a lot now and ask him to be my birth 'partner' cos he knows best how to slip out of my body. Dr Paul reminded me that baby does know best after i told him how i have tried to bring him to an optimal fetal position (left side of my body) and baby repeatedly turned back to his favourite position which is on my right. So for now, i won't fret too much about his position but pray that when the time comes, all will be fine. One of the birth affirmation cards is to TRUST my baby and my body to work together. I do so believe in that.

Writing these cards has been a powerful move for me. I forget how visual a person i am until after i had written them down. Today while i was swimming, the words just kept resurfacing in my mind as i did the laps. This is so exciting and i am really looking forward to welcome my baby into this world. Who would have expected that the simple act of BREATHING well can make such a difference between an easier birth and a laborious one?

Ready, get set, go!

red shoes
Originally uploaded by tumbleweeed

it all became very real yesterday when the ladies in the office threw a sweet baby shower for me and M. when i picked up the pair of small shoes, something just melted in my heart. i mean, it's cliched huh but really, holding the pair of tiny sandals sent a frisson of excitement down me spine........imagine the lil 'un fitting into these! now i know how moms-to-be get so excited shopping for stuff - something i have started doing since i've just simply decided to wait till i return home to do so.

And that will be soon - Monday i jet home, and wait for nearly 7 weeks before baby arrives. Some people say "why do u leave so early?" Actually i could have delayed the departure till week 35, but with the ongoing power blackouts, i am now real glad i made the decision to leave. I have slept badly for the past week, but thankfully i still feel strong. I just can't wait to return home, sleep with my windows WIDE open without mossie nets, and with no fear of contracting malaria or dengue.......ah......

I return home in time for the November hypnobirthing class which i'm really looking forward to. i've read so much about it, and am positively gearing up for baby's birth so that i can 'breathe' him out calmly instead of screaming my head off.... Speaking of which, the 'lil one has also been performing crazy somersaults in my tummy the past week. When we saw Dr J on 2nd Nov, he was head down, but today his head is back up again. How do i know? Cos his hiccups gave him away! Last week, his hiccups came very very low, almost below the bump, today, it was right on top! so despite being clueless at identifying all the body parts he's been exhibiting, at least i can decipher his hiccups and head position. The swollen legs and constipation has eased too thanks to his head turning back up again....altho i do wish that when it's time for him to go back again, he will!

There she blows!

I finally spotted a WHALE after so many afternoons spent squinting out at sea. We went up for a quick walk up to Jesus yesterday evening, and as we were stretching at the edge of the viewing point, a jogger said she had heard there was a whale in the vicinity. Despite the setting sun, A. and I decided to just hang on for a bit in case we did see one. We were staring out in the horizon, expecting to see a dramatic spurt of water to give the whale's position away. Instead, as we were chatting we suddenly heard a loud "psshhhh" sound really near to us! The whale was only right below us! You know, that rock where you can walk down to pose for pictures? Well, the whale was just right below! And he/she kept circling the area for a while, making that "pssshhh" sound a few times before finally disappearing. We only saw the dark strip of its back, and it never did the dramatic water fountain trick or breached out of water unlike the humpbacks i saw in Hawaii 5 years ago when i volunteered for a whale count. I kept shouting, "Hey whale, do your stuff. don't be lazy." A. thought I was mad. So there. I have seen a whale in Timor. 6 days before i go home. Now, i just need to see those blistering dolphins! Arggh.....

Being pregnant in Timor has afforded me insight into the perils of pregnancy, as well as the sheer miracle of each and every baby born, and each and every surviving mom. Take a look at the statistics: Timorese women bear an average of 7.8 children in their lifetime; for every 100,000 babies born, as many as 800 women die in childbirth; for every 1000 babies born, 60 won't get to celebrate their first birthdays while 125 don't survive beyond age five.

I tell my husband that he is a true miracle because first, (like all babies in the world) he was conceived after a very competitive and strong sperm struggled upstream ahead of million others to couple with a compatible egg. Then, his mother successfully carried him to term despite her severely malnourished state of health which could have resulted in miscarriage or premature birth. When it was time for him to arrive, his mom was probably aided by local mid-wives who delivered him in less than optimum conditions, laid him on the ground on dirty clothes, severed his umbilical cord with a blade, tied it up with string, and then dried the husar with hot ash from a bamboo. (Watch Feto Nia Funu to see this still being practised in modern days) He could have been infected with newborn tetanus, or severe jaundice, or contracted a million different kinds of diseases that couldn't be treated but he didn't. Instead he thrived.

From the time he was three, the country had plunged into civil war and Dili was right in the heart of it as Fretilin, UDT and other parties were embroiled in a power struggle. When the Indonesians arrived (on my husband's birthday 7 December), they promptly began an extermination exercise - primarily aimed at anyone with Chinese blood (Chinese=communist) or anyone associated with the resistance. Chinese were brutally slaughtered, especially in Maubara. My husband was then four years old. He says his dad dug a hole under a bed and hid him there. His family which is half Timorese Chinese, and half ethnic Timorese miraculously escaped the bloodshed. Food was scarce during the occupation. A. recalls how his father managed to feed the nine children: he would shoo all the kids out of the kitchen before mealtimes so that he could apportion all the little food they had equally. A. laughs when he talks about how his younger brother would distract the little sister in order to pinch food off her plate. In 1979, when A. was 8, he was taken to Australia with his grandmother who passed off as his mom. There, he began a new life as a refugee, separated from his parents for nearly 20 years before finally reuniting with them in 2000.

So, that is why I am constantly reminded of how miraculous each Timorese birth is: when 70% of babies are still born in unclean conditions and when nearly half of those under five years of age are malnourished and too short of their age.

(Figures quoted were fished out from the recesses of my mind. Don't ask me where i quote from cos this is not an academic journal!)

One dollar

With baby's impending arrival, we decided to get out for some twosome time on Sunday at the beach. After church,we sped to the market, grabbed a chicken, then went home to prepare toasted chicken & avocado sandwiches, spicy thai mango salad, and sliced pinpinhos (cucumbers)for our picnic. We were still undecided which beach to hit but when we turned the corner and stared out at Dollar Beach, it was simply too irresistible to pass. So we unloaded and set up our huge beach umbrella and got down to business. A. even brought along a mahjong table which he converted into a picnic table with a nice tablecloth! I was quite surprised. The tide was in making for a gorgeous swim.. the water was so refreshing, the turquoise shades with the white sand just made our afternoon seem quite out of the ordinary. Once again, i am reminded of why i still love Timor even though there are days that get me down. The sea, the sand, the mountains... ah..... Oh why is Dollar Beach called Dollar Beach? I heard that during the first UN Mission, there were locals who used to charge the malaes one dollar for using the beach here. In exchange, the locals built shelters and kept the place clean. But one day, jealous neighbours razed their shelters down and that was the end of Dollar Beach's heydays.

On our way back, i finally mustered up the courage to buy a bag of sea coconuts (do other people call them that?) from the kids along the road. I used to have these in Cambodia but never tried the ones here. So we bought a big pack for $1 and i went home to slave over them.... they are not easy to skin! Basically, these are palm fruits filled with juice and the flesh taste like coconut. They are often processed, sweetened and added into desserts. You have to skin them, take out the seeds and then chill them with honey. I ran out of banin-been so i just added some rock sugar.

The ride out to Dollar Beach also brought us past the Metinaro IDP camp... it's been a long while since i last ventured this way. The camp's really spread out now and the tents don't look like tents anymore, the entire area resembles a village now. I was taken by the numerous Fretilin flags fluttering in the air. It was actually a pretty nice sight if you look down from a high point.

ORDEAL..........

Last night I perfected the wrist and upper arm moves essential to get the maximum breeze out of a paper fan on the right hand, and the wide arm swings to work the mossie bat on the left limb. The power had gone off yet again in Becora at 10pm. Usually it comes back on at midnight but last night, the electric fan didn’t whirl back to life at 12. I sat in the darkness, a candle flickering in the toilet, my husband asleep(he can sleep through any heat), while I nursed a sore back and a steadily rising body temperature.

I opened all the windows but not the slightest breeze stirred through the mossie nets to afford me relief. I fanned myself, nodding off with exhaustion and heat; occasionally jumping up when the mossie bat sparked when it collided with a winged creature that had managed to find its way into our room. ‘Piak piak piak.’Outside on the mango tree, a gecko called out. Their trademark cries always sounded like an expletive to me, “*uck you, *uck you”. I counted the number of times it cried out. A. always said that the geckos don’t go beyond 7 cries. This old gecko always seems to run out of steam by the sixth call, its last throaty vibration trailing off weakly.

I was so tired, I desperately wanted to crawl into bed but the moment I touched the bed, beads of perspiration broke out on my back. I fanned even more vigorously, giving me some relief but I knew the ‘exercise’ would make me even hotter. I can’t lie on my back these days as the ‘ball’ in front of me is simply too heavy and presses right into my back. So I tried to lean to the left but baby has a mind of his own, he hates this because his legs are squashed. He protests by kicking and stretches widely in all directions, stepping on my bladder and made me so uncomfortable I had to get up.

I’m back on the plastic chair, both hands in motion again, praying silently that the power would come back on. Another gecko called out. This time it’s a younger gecko. How could I tell? It just sounded more energetic and it actually made 7 cries robustly. Wow! Is this my lucky night then? Perhaps the power might come back soon. But no, the gecko’s cries were met with more silence. The full moon cast its light onto our bed, shining like a faint torch onto A’s legs. He slept so peacefully. I cast a jealous glance at him, wishing I could be the same but instead I was fretting over mossie bites while drenched in sweat.

I grew more and more desperate. I asked myself, ‘What if you weren’t pregnant? What would you do?’ I knew that I wouldn’t care less if I got bitten if I weren’t preggers, and I probably wouldn’t be heating up like I was. Suddenly, hot tears of anger sprung from my tired eyes. My breath was caught, and I started sobbing, the frustration flowing out. I thought to myself, ‘You can’t even deal with this heat, what would you do when baby is back in Timor with you and the power is like this again?’ At that thought, I got even more depressed and the sobs grew louder. Suddenly, A. stirred and got up. He sighed heavily, took over the fan and mossie bat and began his sentry duty. I felt so awful having woken him up, but also half glad because I wasn’t alone. At first, his unpractised hand could not yield a good breeze but after a few minutes, a cooling breeze swept over my hot body. I manage to calm down and enjoyed the moment, lying on my side while apologising for waking him up. He grunted in response, still half-asleep. I don’t know how long he fanned but eventually he got tired and I took the fan back. He fell back to bed and was in dreamland promptly.

Alone again. I was not as hot as before so I kept as still as possible to maintain my body temperature. Then I felt an itch on the sole of my feet and realised I had been bitten. Frustration swept over me again, while I used the other foot to relief the desperate itch. Ahhh! I felt like screaming. Then suddenly, something stirred to life – the fan! The lights in the rooms flickered on and the air-conditioner woke up. Yes! I hurried to shut the windows and fell back onto bed to enjoy the moving air. My joy was short-lived as five minutes later, silence greeted me again. By then, I was too exhausted to care, lying on my bed in defeat; miraculously 30 minutes later power came back again. I caught a glance at the time, 2am, and finally fell off into slumber.

I’m such a wimp.

p/s: the power sucks these days cos the 4.5mgwatt generator is down and the government is still in the process of repairing it. 4 more generators will be purchased by end of the year. I got this info from the newspapers yesterday...in case anyone is wondering why we're living in the dark ages here in oil rich timor.

The Hand Part II

'was browsing through my old entries and was amused by the one about A & my attempt to make humus from scratch. So yesterday while making avocado-garlic bread we decided to make Part II of THE HAND. Avocados are in season now but they're expensive in Dili, if we were in Ermera, a whole basketful sometimes only cost $1! But here, 5 of them can cost $1.

Growth spurts

It's Saturday and i've just had a glorious 1.5 hour swim in the saltwater pool at the Esplanada.. This week the pool's been cleaned so i actually dared to put my head in for a good legs and arms workout! Over the months, the staff there have seen my progress and how the bub has grown significantly larger. The past 4 weeks have been particularly spectacular I must say, with my weight also going northwards. I've decided to stop wearing my maternity-cum-nursing tops so i won't overstretch them, and thankfully J passed me a whole bag of maternity hand-me-downs 2 weeks ago and i've found new treasures in them.

The growth spurt has had me a 'lil worried as i've been gaining more than the 0.5kg a week - sometimes 1kg a week! Doc J has cautioned me to watch my diet and take note of my blood pressure in case i develop pre-eclempsia, a common condition that occurs at about week 30 (which is now!). Strangely, i've not felt more awkward, instead more energetic, and could even climb up to Cristo Rei twice at a time (that's once more than my dear husband!). I've also not been eating my usual 5 meals a day but have dropped back to 3 meals...still the scales have been giving a stubborn upward trend (for the last week i have measured my weight daily with 2 different electronic scales!) So i can only conclude that the 'lil man inside of me is really packing on the pounds. Perhaps it is the uber-nutritious herbal chicken soup and the birds nest i've been taking every week that's making him grow so quickly? I don't know. Anyways, i've put on 11 kg so far! I still remember how people used to remark how small my tummy was when i first began swimming at Esplanada... back then i worried that i was too small, now, i worry i'm too big! I just know that it's never easy to predict if a person will get a big bump or not judging from the first 4 months.

Okay, gotta get back to work now.... (the original reason why i went back to the office!) and then home to make more yummy chicken soup and hit the mat for prenatal yoga! Go girl!

Updates.............

On the dastardly Timor Telecom - I finally managed to get through to Apoio TT at 6pm yesterday and was told that the $20 i topped up had already been accepted but their SMS system was in such a haywired state that they couldn't inform us. But wait, at 6pm, I had $42 in my account.....with $40 of that due to the top-up. Now... that's impossible that i only had $2 before i topped up. Strange... and i heard unconfirmed rumours that TT slapped on a double charge for sms and phone calls on 17th october. Is that true? I don't know but man.... this whole anniversary celebration has been a fiasco...

On a brighter note, just wanted to point out that Jason has some wonderful pictures of Hope Orphanage from his recent visit. Click on these links to see his blog and his photos! Nice pictures Jason! Wished you were back here for longer and also that you had informed me earlier! Come back soon.........

jammed

so Timor Telecom really sucks..... it sent out this message on 17th October promising a 100% recharge value for anyone who tops up their pulsa on the day - to celebrate its anniversary . what do you know? the telephone lines got so badly jammed up the ENTIRE day and night that i could not even call people at all. I had to sms to stay in touch the entire day and by the evening, smses were coming back to me about 4 hours delayed. Needless to say, the 2 forlorn $10 cards i bought still cannot be recharged (it's 930am on 18th October!)SCAM i say! TT - if you intend to give something to the people, make sure your bandwidth is sufficient! There were also hordes of people jampacked at TT shops yesterday as they got the news that only pulsa charged up at the shop got the one-on-one offer. so you can imagine the mayhem TT set off. interestingly, during the 2006 crisis when things went haywire, the sms service was still better than yesterday's dismal performance. So TT what happened???

Arrghh.... the bane of monopoly!

tick tock the clock doesn't stop

yikes.............. the days are counting down...as my lillypie ticker indicates but also because of the increasingly few days left at my work place since i have to get on a jet plane home before i get too 'big' and may be banned from flying... so i've been desperately finishing up work - - which is a loooot of writing and editing for the magazine that i am responsible for..

it's been a real joy to work on my brainchild - i never thought that one day i would have so much 'control' (power!!) over a publication and have that opportunity to decide what others get to read... but it also means needing a critical eye to look at my own writing to ensure that it's not crap i'm spewing out cos it will be read by so many others! This year, i took the leap to write a 2000 word article - my longest feature so far - and I think it's not a bad job! I don't think i would have ever gotten this chance to 'grow' in this sense had i not left home 2 years ago and landed on the shores of Timor. Only in this 'wild wild west' do impossible stuff happen. i don't know if you get what i mean, but yeah... your dreams can be realised here because this is a place of opportunity if you grab your chances.

But while it's been an elation, it's also been quite stressful too due to the lack of other writers i can tap on. For months i have been looking for interested writers (malae or local) through the Centre for Journalist but alas have found no one. i've at least gotten two locals in the office to contribute their writing which they did so with much hesitation - after I had arm-twisted them to write in Tetum. (p/s: these are timorese who were ex-journos)

Thankfully, i can read tetum (waaay better than speak it) and was able to translate their writing for editing purposes. While the content is great, i have to say that they really do need a lot more exposure to writing styles because of the banal stuff they are exposed to everyday in the dailies. What i've observed is that there's always the distinctive preamble of Timor as a sovereign state that regained its independence in 2002, some self-effacing statements, plus the rhetoric (almost poetic) lamentations of injustice..... and of course the lengthy sentences that seem to go on forever. It's probably unfair to judge with 2 articles, but hey, it's like that in the dailies too. The best Timorese writing i've read so far (i admit i have not read a loooot) was a piece from a senior high school student from St Joseph's College at Balide. A youth journalist who contributes to the STL, Ivonia wrote movingly (and without platitudes) when i asked her to relate her experience as an IDP in last year's publication. So there is hope....

i should stop writing now.... i still have 2 more articles to conquer by day's end...this was just a break from that... until the next entry, adios! (p/s: Timor Telecom is offering a one-on-one offer if we recharge our phone cards today!! yippeeee... i'm going to top up my phone now now now!)

Dili 1967

'was sent this picture from a colleague. I'm sorry i don't know who the photographer was and therefore cannot duely credit him/her. So if anyone knows, please inform me. Tks! Besides the Palacio, you can still see Acait building, and the site of the former Hello Mister was filled with trees! THe entire area near Mercado Lama and Balide was also full of trees. I am just glad that for now, there are still some big trees in the vicinity of the Palacio - the roads there are the shadiest and i really hope there'll be no more hacking down of old trees! Dili needs the fresh oxygen that they create! I heard from some colleagues that Dili also was greener during Indonesian times and also cleaner - on fridays there used to be mass cleaning up of public areas.... now, sometimes at night, i have seen people lobbing off old trees possibly to burn for firewood! sigh.......

Goodbye Mister!

It's happened.

Hello Mister is now Goodbye Mister. 'Passed by the place this morning and saw a bulldozer perched (precariously) atop a mound of debris; it was chomping hungrily away at the ugly bare concrete walls of the building. Workmen had put up a barricade that spilled onto the road in case pieces flew off - i was quite nervous that we might have a piece of Hello Mister 'souvenir' on our car roof as we waited to cross the busy cross-junction. Cos who could we sue for repairs??? No such thing in Timor -just your luck if anything like that happens! There has been a green zinc wall put up around the building for at least 2 weeks now so i guess today's demolition was inevitable. I wonder if it will really be transformed into that ultramodern 10-storey building, the drawing of which was recently circulated on the net? We shall wait with bated breath! It is heartening to see that things are moving on in this city, and that this was finally making way for something new - kinda shows that people are having faith again in investing here. And so, as our car finally rolled by (the jam was bad this morning!) i said 'goodbye' to this crumbling shell that has somehow become a testament to Timor's shaky beginnings as an indie nation. Adios!

Update on HOPE

Little man hunting for fish in the Gleno river (July 2007)

Just dropped by Jeremy Ballagher's blog on HOPE orphanage and thought i should just add some photos and updates. The last time i was there was in July and already saw good many changes to the orphanage. The boys were building a fence for the vegetable plot; the kitchen has been cleaned up especially the messy reading corner that used to have a dinghy mattress where the kids would plop down to play is now removed; and the big white freezer is storing food and is not opened during the day to keep the chill. Of course, more things can be done but now people like Shamim (who works with ANZ bank) are paying a lot more attention and assisting Isa to run the place better -bit by bit. A friend of ours who sold her car has also asked us to donate all the money to HOPE on a monthly basis. If you also wish to do so, you can do so with a standing order instruction from ANZ bank with HOPE's account number. (Enquire with Shamim, who is also going to ensure that all donor funds are accounted for.)

lost

Dear Y,

I found out from the news last night why that letter I sent 3 months ago never reached you - it (with its nice stamps and fancy paper) is still sitting here in Timor, along with thousands others, packed neatly in postal bags, stacked up to the ceiling in a room somewhere (i think at the Correios) waiting to be sent on a flight to you. My half-boiled Tetum deciphered the news story to be that the (previous) Government had not paid Merpati (that monopoly airline that flies to Indonesia) its fees for a long time and so thousands of letters now languish in a musty room waiting to be delivered to their right owners. Perhaps when the new government passes its budget and finally pays up, that now out-dated letter may finally arrive in your letter box. Meanwhile, I now understand why people pay through their noses to send things through DHL's 'express' service, even though a parcel can take days to reach Jakarta - apparently the parcels get sent from Bali to Singapore (its main centre) before they get sent back to Jakarta.

It may not make a lot of sense what they do at DHL, but hey, at least your parcel does reach its destination one day, instead of gathering dust here in Timor. I just hope that the delay has not caused you to worry too much. I thought this sculpture of two malnourished and severely underweight Timorese holding their heads in deep thought and worry may afford you some comfort that you are not alone.

Warmest regards,
Tumbleweeed