dili burning

Just received news that some of my colleagues' homes have been burnt. The situation in dili seems to be yoyo-ing --- from good to bad very quickly. everytime i call back to Dili, there's something new. One moment, all is peaceful and quiet and UNICEF staff able to return home. The next time i call, they're back again in the UN compound, with grim news like that.

One of those whose house was burnt had succeeded narrowly to protect her home just a few days ago. She had returned to the office on Wednesday in a very emotional state. She cried and said, " If they want to kill me, let them but please, ask them to spare the children."

Yes, spare the children.

They are the most innocent ones who are suffering the most in this chaos.

The ones who went through the massacres in 99 are now reliving their horrible time. The memories that might have been dulled with six years of normality must become freshly vivid again. The young ones who have never experienced 99 are now being dragged along by their fleeing families or seeking shelter in crowded camp conditions. They are now experiencing what their older siblings went through. Already many children in Timor are malnourished due to the high level of poverty in the country, so all that this chaos has done is to worsen the condition. The rains pouring down has not helped either, with malaria & dengue-bearing mosquitoes also on the loose.

It's ironic how before, we had been trying to persuade donors that even though the emergency period in Timor was officially over but still needed as much resources as before to assure that the children grow up in a protective environment, where there is education, food, and expression of their rights. You see, donors (read you, me, countries, govts) often shift funds to 'emergencies' around the world. it's as if, we simply drop off their radars. So it's ironic how this crisis would pull the radar back to this country. I'd really rather it didn't happen this way.

i'm attaching the latest presser from UN here.


UN INTER-AGENCY HUMANITARIAN ASSISTANCE GROUP CONTINUES TO ATTEND TO NEEDS OF IDP’S LOCATED WITHIN DILI

28 May, 2006/ Dili; The Inter-Agency Humanitarian Assistance Group has drawn up a plan to rapidly deliver much needed emergency supplies to Internally Displaced People (IDPs) congregated at more than 35 makeshift camps throughout the city of Dili.

Relief efforts continue and will be stepped up as soon as the security situation eases. The group, led by the Ministry of Labour and Community Reinsertion is comprised of UN agencies and local and international NGO’s.

A spokesperson for the group, Mr Luis Vieira from IOM, said today that food and water has now been distributed to over 30 camps by government staff. However, the unstable security situation has prevented access to some areas where there are people in need.

“If the security situation does not improve, it is possible that the humanitarian crisis could worsen significantly. Families are in need of basic supplies such as food, water, and sanitation to protect against disease, but as long as the situation is so fluid, it is difficult to move freely to distribute relief supplies.” he said.

The last known number of people displaced from their homes is over 50,000, although this is thought to have increased significantly over the last few days. Many people have left the capital for district areas, while others remain in Dili seeking safety and shelter in churches, schools, the airport, and many other locations.

“This causes greater stress on women and their children who are now faced with no food, are exposed to unsafe water and unclean surroundings. This means that infants and children will be at risk of infections and over a long term, malnutrition”, said Ms.Shui-Meng Ng, UNICEF Representative.

The Inter-Agency Humanitarian Assistance Group has been delivering assistance until 25th of May, after people in Dili were displaced from their homes during the days following the 28th April disturbances.

The UN Special Representative to the Secretary General, Sukehiro Hasegawa stressed that humanitarian work is continuing. “The most recent unrest has disrupted these efforts, but as much as possible supplies are being distributed wherever and whenever we can access. This effort is ready to be stepped up as soon as the security situation eases up, which we are working on, in conjunction with the Australian Security Forces.”

The Inter-Agency Humanitarian Assistance Group is comprised of the following agencies, led by the government of Timor-Leste; WHO, UNICEF, IOM, UNDP, UNFPA, WFP, International Red Cross, Cruz Vermelha De Timor-Leste (National Red Cross), Oxfam Australia, Plan international, Health net, Red Cross and Care International, Catholic Relief Services, Caritas Australia.

RED CROSS TIMOR-LESTE APPEAL

Red Cross has launched an appeal to support the people affected by the current unrest in Timor-Leste.

Up to fifty thousand people are estimated to have left their homes because of the violence and are living in makeshift camps around the country.

Funds raised by the Australian Red Cross Timor-Leste Appeal will help provide food and other relief items such as tarpaulins, tents, house hold items, and mosquito nets, as well as logistical and communications support.

'By launching this appeal we can help with the immediate needs of those who have fled their homes,' said Robert Tickner, CEO of Australian Red Cross.

'However this appeal will also help us to contribute to the longer-term development of Australia's closest neighbour. Our commitment to supporting the people of Timor-Leste and the Timor-Leste Red Cross must extend beyond this current situation as Timor-Leste remains the poorest country in the region,' he said.

'Support for projects which improve the health and wellbeing of the people are central to nation-building.'

According to Mr Tickner, the fledgling Timor-Leste Red Cross has been working closely with the Timor-Leste Government over the past week, helping distribute food and other relief supplies as well as monitoring the state of the more than 30 camps that have sprung up across the country.

In Australia, Red Cross staff and volunteers in Darwin have been registering people evacuated from Timor-Leste, collecting their details and entering them into the National Registration and Inquiry System (NRIS). Family and friends seeking information on people being evacuated can contact the Red Cross on 08 8924 3900.

To donate to the 'Timor-Leste Appeal':

Visit www.redcross.org.au to make a secure online donation
all 1800 811 700 toll free
send a cheque to GPO Box 2957 Melbourne VIC 8060 marked 'Timor-Leste Appeal'

The funds raised through this appeal will be used for the following activities:
to support the relief, rehabilitation and on-going long term development activities of the Red Cross and Red Crescent movement in Timor-Leste, through the emergency appeal

to fund any deployment of specialist aid workers to Timor-Leste to assist in the International Red Cross response

to support any Australian Red Cross programs of assistance in Timor-Leste

to support the ongoing development of the Timor Leste Red Cross (CVTL)

NOTE: Australian Red Cross will not deduct more than 10% of any donation for an international appeal to cover appeal costs. Should the funds raised exceed the amount required to meet the immediate and longer-term needs of the people in the affected areas, Australian Red Cross will use any excess funds to help people affected by emergencies within the same region of the world

back home safely - but what about those left behind?

I think the impact of leaving hit me the moment i got onto the UNICEF car and was driven out of the UN compound towards the Australian Embassy. The tears just would not stop rolling down my cheeks. The pain was indescribable. I hugged Madhu, and the other colleagues - there was so much confusion, dilemma, sadness, anguish all together at the same time. I had made the decision to leave very quickly - when there was a window of opportunity to leave according to the security guys - and i was given the permission instantly by my chief. In my mind, i was thinking whether i did the right thing, and i was feeling so painfully guilty for leaving my colleagues behind, and yet thinking of my parents back home all at the same time. This must be the anguish felt by every single person who had to take that terrible choice of going - leaving - it's like a bad bad tear in your heart. At that time, the security phase was still at 2 although the situation was still worsening. I felt horrid because it was not time to leave yet, something inside me propelled me to go when another consultant asked to leave.

When i got to the Embassy, things were still quiet. I got my OZ visa very quickly - without having to fill in pages of forms like the others there and was asked to wait for the C-130 that would be coming any time. At that time, SIF calls to say that a JICA-chartered International SOS flight was coming and that since i was also under ISOS, i could hop onto that flight. The decision was finally taken to join the JICA flight since there were so many people clamouring for the Darwin military flight and fewer on the JICA flight so if i left with ISOS, there would be at least one more seat available for anyone else going out. Very soon after, a group of singaporeans arrived at the embassy too and i left with Armando back to his place for a shower (i was really dirty after 48 hours without a bath) and then returned to the embassy again for the pick up. By that time, the embassy doors was packed with Chinese nationals desperate to get in too. But sadly, they had to wait for a long while as the OZ govt took a long time to process their visas. Even Armando's family was not allowed to get their visas as they were asking for things like bank statements etc to prove their financial independence. Armando's australian passport was only helpful to himself so he refused to be evacuated until he could find some way of getting his family out too.

I parted ways with him at 5pm at the airport when i pushed him to return home while there was still light. The whole afternoon had been pretty peaceful with the OZ soldiers securing the main road leading from town to the airport. We hugged and said our goodbyes, and prayed that we'll see each other very soon. The plane finally took off at 8pm and we landed at Halim international about 930pm indon time and was sent to the hotel by ISOS representatives whom i must say did a superb job bringing us from one point to another.

The next morning, while in jakarta, i received news that the UN was in phase 3 and non-essential staff already asked to evacuate. It turned out that i had made a timely decision as my leaving meant one less person for them to worry, especially since i was a volunteer.

It's been 3 days since Friday when i left Dili. Seems like a long time, my concept of days all blurred up as so many things happened since Tuesday. I've been making calls to the friends in Dili to find out how they are. Some have evacuated, while others have stayed behind because their jobs demand they do that. We can only pray for their safety and trust that they make all the best decisions to stay safe.

I'm still struggling with the guilt in some ways. It's not like you clean out your memory drive when you land in Changi Airport. No, the images stay in the mind, the people you care for who are left behind, - there's a sense of helplessness too.

wounded

I saw a familiar face in the UN medical clinic as I tried to see how I could help out. Someone had asked for anyone with first aid experience to chip in to help the wounded Police men and women that had been brought into the UN compound. At first, i didn't recognise me but later I realise that this was the police friend that a fellow Singaporean trusted a lot. He was laying wounded on the bed, in agony, wishing he could die and be spared the pain. I held his hand tightly - nothing else i could do. His wounds were dressed, just awaiting surgery.

In the clinic, there was no time to feel fear or sadness. We just tried to see how we could help, with instructions from the (thankfully) many doctors working in the UN system. I put on gloves and tried to clean some wounds, bandage some, and comfort others - holding their hands and talking to them, trying to reassure them. I don't think I was 'feeling' anything at that moment. NONE of us did, we just did what was necessary.

One guy was going into shock, thankfully a good Timorese doctor started a second IV drop that pulled him back from the brink of death. He had a big gash on his hip, his legs, his arms. He was floating in between consciousness. I held his arm, and tried talking to him, kept asking him to pray and be brave. I was relieved when he finally grabbed my fingers in response. I hope he's doing alright now in hospital.

Earlier when the first wounded policeman was carried in with four bullet wounds on his chest, (this was just outside where everyone had gathered), it really was an emotional scene. my tears just kept rolling down, and i kept saying 'Hail Marys' and 'Our Fathers' to calm myself down. My heart bled for the women and children who would lose their fathers today. I cried out to the Lord to put sense back into these men's minds. Today is the DAY OF OBLIGATION for the Ascension of the Lord! This is all so wrong.

The police man died.

NO ONE should die this way.

i'm not bothering to say what actually happened today cos even if i do, it doesn't make sense. war fare makes no sense. We should simply ban guns around the world.

Pray for peace my friends, if you're reading

so do i exist or not?

So, i get an email from Singapore international Foundation saying:

"MFA has issued a public travel advisory last night."
From CNA:"It is ... advising Singaporeans who reside there to leave while commercial flights are available. "

My question is to WHOM did MFA issue this advisory to? Cos I surely DID NOT receive one phone call or sms from MFA officials sitting in their cushy offices at Minden Road. also, they shouldn't be expecting us to be able to watch CNA here - it's only available if you have satellite access.

So was the MFA really issuing out the advisory warning to people in Timor or for people in Singapore to 'see' that they are?

I've heard that there's been some calling but hey, there're only 40 something of us here and yet, no one has yet dialed my number.. HELLO! Do i exist or not? Anyways, to set the record straight, i'm not expecting them to really say anything useful to me when they call and I feel a lot safer here under the UN umbrella.

Also, they have tasked a non-civil servant (read unpaid) singaporean who's big hearted enough to call everyone here in Dili. Ok, fine,she missed me out too, but can i blame her? Here's ONE person in Dili having crap telecommunications abilities to call 40 plus people. Come on MFA, surely you have enough officers to do that in Singapore. The satellite phone provided also didn't work by the way.

If the government is sincere in ADVISING singaporeans to leave, they should pick up their phones from their cosy seats in singapore to call us or SMS us. OR like what Australia has done - arrange a flight out for singaporeans. ACTION more than talk please. As i write this, Australia has already evacuated 60 persons back to Darwin.

"Singaporeans who wish to leave Timor Leste but who have encountered difficulties doing so should also contact the ministry, whose Duty Office is open 24 hours."

BUT WAIT, just above this line was this:

It is also advising Singaporeans who reside there to leave while commercial flights are available.

In fact, someone did call the MFA and was advised to take the Merpati flight back! DUDE! if we could, would we be calling you??? COME ON! GET REAL!

Ok, and for concerned MFA folks reading this blog, if you do send a chopper to get us, please ensure that we can get to the airport safely too. Ok, perhaps you think that's too much to ask of you but the reality is, no matter how many choppers you send, we won't be able to get out of Timor unless there's a safe passage TO the airport. That's one reason why not more AUstralians are making their way to the airport which is to the left of the city and at least 20 minutes ride away.

Also, I refuse to leave if it means having to endanger a driver's life to send me there. Say, i happen to get there in one piece, who can guarantee the driver's safety on his way back? What if he gets hurt going back to the UN compound? Can i bear that guilt?

Anyways, for now, it's safer to hunker down instead of running amok - into any possible cross fire.

The gunfire is still ringing in the night.
A flare is up in the sky.
A plane is trying to land in pitch darkness.
I'm sleeping on a cold hard floor tonight - but what about the thousands with no mosquito nets, no shelter, no warm food, out there?

crackling through the air

"Brrrrrrrrrrrrrr brrrrrrrrrrrrr brrrrrrrrrrrrr"..... a rapid shower of automatic gunfire rung through the hills.

Yesterday i heard for the first time, since troubles began, the volley of gun fire with my own ears.

Then came the dull, heavy "BOOM BOOM BOOM" exploding in the far distance. A few of us gathered outside the Kobe Huts in the UN compound and stared intently into the hills behind us. We could not see any action but could surely hear it.

Instead of feeling terrified, I thought of how this crackling reminds me of joyous occasions. Probably the only time a normal Singaporean (read non-soldier or police) hears or sees this sort of pyrotechnic action is during our National Day Parade when we're treated to a spectacular ear-deafening fireworks show, with colourful patterns exploding into the skies - swirls, bright pinpricks, and even smiley faces. This loud crackling is synonmous with joy and celebration, not fear and anguish as it usually is in other parts of the world.

In that short moment of my revelry, I was once again reminded of how lucky and perhaps how divorced from reality most Singaporeans are. Can we even understand the terror and fear in the hearts of the children and families as they flee from their homes - bags of rice, clothings, plastic pails and cooking stoves ladened on their heads, shoulders and their backs? The UN compound is filling up again with families fearing that they might be attacked. Two weeks ago when the families came, it was propelled by baseless rumours of impending civil war. Now, they are here because the fighting has begun.

Don't get me wrong, it's not like there are armed men riding up and down the streets fighting and that we're in danger of the crossfire. The fighting is still concentrated up in the hills behind us but we can hear them well. But riding on the confusion are some people who are taking the opportunity to seek vengeance on those who may have offended them before - setting their homes on fire on the pretext that they're from 'east' or 'west' of Timor.

This morning I woke up to the staccato notes of automatic guns. What a strange morning call it is, I would prefer a crowing cock, thank you. As I lie in bed, listening to the sporadic bursts echoing through the cold morning air, I hear an interview on ABC Radio about Australian troops getting ready to land here to restore peace. The interviewer is asking Alexander Downer if the OZ soldiers would be able to deal with the Timorese soldiers - the same troops they had helped to train. Apparently one of the Commanders, Major Alfredo, who took some of his Military Police men up the hills, had even been in Australia before.

For me, it is not so much that but more the question of whether while focusing on training the Timorese soldiers on war fare and strategy, did the Australians ever think of transferring soft skills of leadership, conflict resolution and management? This question is not aimed just at the Australian troop trainers but at all the 'capacity-building' advisors and trainers that this country has seen too many of. It forces us all to reflect if we have helped at all.

This issue of the discrimination in the army is not a new one. In fact, the splintering signs began as early as 2002 when some soldiers had quit in protest. Today's situation of the 594 who quit is simply it boiling over. Major Alfredo's team that broke away too is a clear sign that there is no credible leadership within the army nor the government.

It's all too easy for arm chair critics to say what has gone wrong, what could have been done, or who's to blame etc. But it is plain to see that a much earlier intervention and a more consultative leadership would have defused the situation. The government's credibility is suffering because the people say it has not listened to their concerns and has pushed them over to resorting to violence and civil disobedience.

Someone asked me a few months back to reflect on my time here and what i have learnt as an SIF (Singapore International Foundation)volunteer. I think at this point in time, besides the larger political complexities, it is clearer than ever before a reliable media and telecommunications infrastructure!

Case in point: G called me in Maubisse - she's still stuck there because there are no transport going back into Dili. Although only 3 hours away from Dili, they are unable to receive any radio or tv signals from the country's public broadcasting service. Instead, they are relying on ABC Radio from Australia! Go figure. We have long bemoaned the country's dismal telecommunications infrastructure because it has impacted to some extent UNICEF's children's radio programme in the community radio stations. But this political fraca has really highlighted the urgent need for reliable transmitters that can inform the population of what's happening in the country.

I feel that this lack of information from Dili over the last few years, and hence the lack of mental intimacy with the central government makes it hard for the people in the districts to connect back to Dili. I'm in a hungry to end this blog now. will continue again another time. We hear gunfire outside our compound.

Tata

God's tears and we swim in S***

The heavens opened this afternoon and has not stopped pouring tears down upon Timor. I joked that it was God trying to intervene in the 'hot' situation here in Dili - perhaps this would cool things down, and maybe make the rioting wild men sick from a bad bad cold and then they have to rest instead of making trouble. Another friend just smsed me the same thought.
But guess what? While God shed tears for Timor, we - here - are getting flooded thanks to bad piping and drainage system(read = bad fengshui) in the UN compound.
Our section, which together with the Education folks occupies the Kobe Hut #5, has the seat of honour next to the septic tanks - so every two days when the trucks come, we take in some strong scents concocted by Mother Nature. I'm still figuring out whom I can sue when my lungs fill up with thick layers of organic fertilisers. But that's a story for another day.
What's more URGENT here, is that we're in danger of the flood waters bursting into the loose lids of the septic tank because water keeps draining out the compound next to ours, right into our area! We even have to wade our way to the loos which are behind the kobe hut and in shin-deep waters.

But wait... hang on... as I pound this out onto my PC, the rains have stopped. It's coming to a trickle.... yes! Hallelujah! But the scene outside has not changed. I'll have to get wet to get home now...

All i can say is God sure is humourous.

ema whisperer

"You heard the latest yet?"

Hushed tones. conspiracy. apprehension. curiousity. rumours.

Explode into craziness.

This is what is tearing this country apart

- whispers of news with explosive effects.

Armando & I were at Peace Park last Friday night attending a poetry and art night about peace and love. The poets were reading out their poems in hushed tones, somewhat subdued by the ongoing tension. Then someone remarked "why are we whispering when it comes to peace? but why is it that when it's about war and violence, people shout. why don't we shout about love?"

He made a great point - why is it that one rumour can send tens of thousands of people fleeing from their homes so effectively and in contrast, only 30 people turned up for this poetry reading?

Remember that Robert Redford movie "The Horse Whisperer" about a guy who tamed wild horses by connecting with them and gaining their trust? Perhaps we now need a few "People whisperer" here in this country - not the police, not the military, not peacekeeping forces. Read this interesting article of how a real life Horse Whisperer has been called in to 'tame' children in the UK...

maybe he should come to Timor to tame the angry men here

the fist or the mouth?

Gunshots heard again...
Some houses have been burnt...
Rocks thrown and young people people again in trouble...

My heart is heavy.
In fact, since the day that Fretilin Congress voted back Mari Alkatiri and Lu'olo, i've been apprehensive of what may happen.
I'm not against Alkatiri, but I know that having him here might just prolong the impasse. Unless Mr PM makes a drastic move to reach out to his estranged men in the hills.

This uneasiness that hangs in the air bears down on all of us insidiously...

Anyways...recent events have made me think that perhaps the prolonged years of warring and violence in Timor has created a people with the propensity to use the fist to resolve their problems.
People in positions of influence and power have been heard saying "If you want war, we'll have war." An innocent boy with a bright future, and headed for the ASEAN games is stabbed to death one evening while hanging out with his mates because someone from a rival martial arts gang didn't like one of his friends and had launched a surprise attack. A peaceful demonstration turns into burning cars and houses, a few dead and guns fired into the air or as some say, into people.
Of course, this ain't unique to Timor as we can see daily that it happens elsewhere in the world. And of course, not every Timorese is a raging, irrational bull. But i am only interested in the problems of this country which i am living now, and the people who are causing so much chaos, thus this narrow discourse.
Against this backdrop of anger, i can't help thinking of the gentle people of Hawaii. What impressed me most during my time in Hawaii was the love for "talking stories." Hawaiians love to talk stories to one another, using this oral tradition to relate incidents, to discuss unhappiness and to resolve their conflicts. Thus, they have built up a strong use of mediation and non-violence. When Hawaiians are angry, they use to Hula to express their anger, singing their traditional songs and stomping out their moves with their feet and their drums. They protest in front of the government house with music and dance. I wish more people would embrace this form of negotiation. Perhaps Timor needs to re-establish the tribal councils it must used to have during a time when liurais or kings were powerful. Perhaps the work the UN has done here to spread the knowledge of Human Rights has not made any difference. Have we really instilled in the young people the right to respect life? The people here need to realise that they have to STOP the cycle of violence.
But how to when perhaps they believe that violence is the only effective way of attaining change for them? Many of them were guerillas who fought for 2 decades for Timor's independence. Of course, shrewd diplomacy, the support of the international community, combined with political fluke and change in indonesia contributed to the independece referendum. But I think most Timorese believe that it was largely their resistance in the jungles that has allowed them to fly their own flag.
So when will this cycle of violence end? We're talking about a traumatised nation. GOD HELP US ALL.

some timorese bubbly for you?

Tua Mutin - palm wine
Originally uploaded by tumbleweeed.

The foam you see - they're not soap suds mind you! the foamy stizzuf spewing out of the reused Aqua bottles is actually the natural fizz from Tua Mutin - or White Liquor, a locally made palm wine that you see sold along the roadsides across the country.
Last year when I was in Venilale, Jose had brought me around to see how they tapped the palm fruits to make the wine. Tua Mutin is the mildest, with Tua Metan (Dark Liquor) and Tua Sabo( i dunno what Sabo means) the most potent. Armando calls Tua Sabo the real Timorese coffee!
Anyways, i took this picture in Quelicai, cos I don't usually see Tua Mutin being so bubbly. There was also a very strong fermented smell. When i tasted Tua Mutin in Venilale, it tasted mild, and with coconut flavour -rather pleasant while Tua Sabo is strong tasting.I wonder how many are in the mood to enjoy any bubbly now. There is still a certain amount of tension in Dili despite the fact that life is pretty normal now for us - buses, people, markets are back in action but the Fretilin Congress opens tomorrow and already the local press and the OZ press have begun reporting extensively on the possibilities of troubles considering that the Timorese ambassador to the UN has openly challenged Alkatiri's leadership.
I only pray that PEACE will prevail no matter what happens. I hope that the losing party will accept the decision of the party members peacefully. I really hope that the rumours that Alkatiri will resort to military crackdown should he lose his party's support will not come true.
It's really tough trying to run a young nation - with high percentage of the populace uneducated and thus unable to differentiate sound policy versus populist promises. The recent violence here also goes to show that the young people (almost 50% of Timor)are not fully tuned into the demands of democracy - i.e. democracy comes with responsiblity!
No one should resort to violence to get their way. They can use their votes in 2007 if they don't like the government! But no, the primal instincts have overwhelmed a large number of youths - many unemployed, frustrated, uneducated, with few life-skills to guide them to make sensible decisions - so they simply end up following the crowd. If a leader calls them to boycott, they would.
It is this excess energies that the government needs to engage. But alas, as already admitted by many, the government labelled UN's shining baby has dealt very well internationally but has forgotten to relate to its people. As a result, many Timorese are left behind, feel disenfranchised especially after having fought for the war and feel like things should be better and not worse than during Indonesian times.
And so it is - from an issue concerning 594 sacked soldiers, this matter has really blown up into a bigger matter - an indication that the underlying unhappiness has been stewing and so easily provoked.
It's tough being a leader, really tough.

Soul Mountain

Matebian mountain - awesome!
Originally uploaded by tumbleweeed.

That's "Matebian" mountain or Soul Mountain in Baucau district. Beautiful ain't it? I only wish that i had a better camera or a device as panoramic as my eyes to capture the view as we departed Baucau yesterday morning. It was awe-inspiring. Everything's pretty normal on the eastern side of Timor-Leste. Baucau also has a wonderfully cool climate that beats the sweaty heat of Dili!

drawing relief

Photos by Bridgette See

There are increasing number of kiddies on our compound - less than UN Obrigado Barracks but nearly 20-30 of them on our side. So our rep came in and asked some of us to occupy them in a fun way. So we took chalk, paper, marker pens, and crayons (as much as we could find in our office) and brought them over. I guess activities like this is what we call setting a 'normal' tone for kids to reassure them that everything's ok. I think it really defused the tension and distracted the kids. Even the adults wanted to draw.


Yulian the illustrator is out there now sketching on a whiteboard and the kids following him. It's cool. Incidentally, in every emergency situation in countries, one of the first things that aid agencies try to set up (after the water and food is taken care of) are schools for children so that they can play in a safe zone and continue learning.

what is going on????

PICTURES BY YULIAN SETYANTO
It's hard to believe but yes, families are now rushing to the UN Obrigado Barracks and trying to get in. This, probably after a general email was sent to advise staff that IF they feel unsafe, they can bring their families. I have a feeling that many of those in the crowd do not have family members working in the UN but had seen others and followed suit. Now how do you say GO AWAY?

What I cannot understand is that unlike last we didn't have a scene like this here. (only outside the US embassy and at Don Bosco Seminary) But today, everything else is calm except for families piling into trucks and running up to the hills. Even my new home in Becora is now deserted apparently cos everyone else have 'sai foho' (went up mountain). So tonight, i will be at Armando's place at Pantai Kelapa (Coconut Beach) instead of Becora. Apparently people are also going into the Cathedral (near my old place) for shelter.

Rumours are spreading like wild fire. Some people say there is now strive within the military and even the Police have packed off their families, with dogs, cats and goats, and chickens onto their cars and up to the hills. BUT AS OF NOW, as i speak, we have heard no trouble or problems reported.

So what shall we do? It's an interesting time now to see how the government handles the situation. When will peace return to Dili?

so what is reality?

I ask this because there seems to be so many versions of it flying about. some people say only 2 persons died in the troubles last week, while another said more like 60 did! those staying in the east of dili heard nothing, while those in the west were under seige. we all have different realities and so do reporters - it depends on who lets them see what. You too - from faraway - it depends on what the news channels reveal to you. a close up of a burning car and shouts and screams on the audio track could make a minor incident a major one while shots of deserted dili could give a sense of calm. so what's real anymore? even i don't know.

i live in this city but work in a world separate from the rest - shielded by gates with barbed wire and big stone barriers. We don't see the rest of the world inside the UN compound but we sure do hear a lot. Yesterday, news came from national staff who said that their villages were now deserted as more people were abandoning their homes to run up the mountains. Apparently there has been a systematic spread of information by SOMEONE to ask people to run and warning them of impending trouble. so what do these traumatised folks do? THEY RUN, with mattresses, chairs, stoves everything. Since 1975, these people have faced strive and been on the run, seeking refuge in the thick cover of forests so the mountains are their friends. At first whiff of trouble, that's where the Timorese would go.

As a national staff put it, "We prefer to pre-empt trouble and run when there is any sign of trouble, before chaos actually happen. Malaes (or foreigners) seem to prefer waiting (like sitting ducks) until trouble happens before reacting to it." That's why in the hearts of our staff, many are torn between running to the hills and staying behind to continue working. Some of their families have already gone and they are left behind here on their own. I empathise with them. But as an international staff put it, "When will they stop running? When will they put '99 behind them?" I also agree that some change need to take place to stop people from bolting at anything. But HOW do you tell them that? As what the Timorese told me, in '99 when UNAMET assured them not to flee because the UN was there, many trusted them but in the end, were killed by the militias. It's not about trusting UN people anymore, it's about trusting their own instincts.

I'm confused and i guess so are many people.

morning after

It's tuesday, and everyone's filed back to work by now. It was a good thing that we had a public holiday yesterday - I think it gave everyone some breathing space after the tensions from friday and saturday.

To be honest, there was tension on those two days. but because i was living in Colmera - a 'business' district sortof area, there was little disturbances. but some of our colleagues especially national staff living further into the hills and in villages away from the city centre reported trouble and hearing the gunshots of police going after the troublemakers - FOR THE RECORD, the officers were ordered to fire only into the air and never at anybody.

Anyways, here's the security update we received on Friday: (very outdated but...)

- 2 civilians dead, 8 civilians wounded, 3 PNTL (police) injured with one seriously injured.
- 3 cars were burned and 8 damaged.
- > 50 houses burned,
- Taibessi market area is extensively burned

and apparently the trouble was caused not by the protesting soldiers but by troublemakers who had joined in the demonstration and caused the mayhem.

On saturday morning, there was still tension in the air but Armando and I ventured out with our friends to the supermarket cos there was no more food in our house. There were long lines of people doing the same and Cold Storage (not the same as the one in SIngapore!) was making good business. I even saw people buying wine! I guess, they felt that since they would be holed up at home, why not get drunk too.

Anyways, by Sunday, things were pretty much back to normal. We even went to Mass in Comoro - the area that was reportedly still in trouble. But everything was really peaceful that morning. eerrieily so cos usually the COmoro market area is bustling with people but that day, it was empty. At mass, we sang songs asking for peace, when I sang, i felt very sad and really sang out to the LOrd to deliver peace to Timor-Leste. I know that singing is like praying twice so i think the Lord heard our prayers and granted us that wish.

On Sunday night, we went to Paradise Restaurant to celebrate a few people's birthdays. Yesterday, we even went snorkelling at K41 - to the east of Dili. You see, it's strange and ironic how life can go on for one group of people, while others remain huddled in fear - even in a small city like Dili. While we were enjoying ourselves, there were apparently still nearly 2000 people holed up in the Don Bosco seminary in the western side of Dili.... these people too scared to return home... and they have no food. We heard from some other NGO people that they wre bringing food to them and persuading them to return home. But you see, with the communications so poor here, people can't receive reliable news. In fact, we have no idea what's the situation now. i.e. have they caught the culprits or what? Yesterday, the police went on a parade, honking their cars joyously to exhibit their prowess. Apparently this was to assure the people of their presence --- and I'm thinkg:

yeah, if only they did so on Friday at lunch time at the Government House, then perhaps Prime Minister Alkatiri's windows would not have been smashed, and 3 cars there not burned to their skeletons! And the troublemakers not gotten loose and set off a whole series of opportunistic troublemaking!

Anyways,rumours are still wildly flying about and we're telling everyone not to panic and run off into the hills. God Bless Timor!

panic button

It takes rumours and panic and a few irrational fellas to press the alarm bell here. we had just finished lunch and hopped into a taxi to head back to UN House. Just as we turned the corner (i was still showing the interns the Brasil Restaurant & Erli) when suddenly there was a commotion behind us. 2 guys on a motorbike were honking the loudly and racing towards us, and we saw a stream of men running and then suddenly there were so many vehicles that had seemed to appear from nowhere descend upon us.Two cars next to us began honking persistently, as if in a car rally, in fact, some people were laughing in excitement. But the old man driving us was really worried and i kept telling him, "Tiu, la buat ida, lao neineik." which meant "Uncle, don't worry, it's nothing, just go slowly." it was hard not to panic because when there were so many vehicles rushing past us and onto us. the old man asked me in a shaken voice, "mana, oinsa?" ("How, sister?") I just told him to carry on slowly back to our office. It was a quiet trip back to the office but when we arrived, people were on the radios, monitoring the situation. "A government vehicle has been burnt," the news went around. We turned and saw black smoke rising in the distance but could not see anything else. we are some distance away from the demonstration site and are almost in our oasis - locked up in the Obrigado Barracks. It's hard to know what the reality is like outside. The cackle on the radio sounds urgent, with timorese voices updating each other on the situation. Everyone sounds worried and a headcount is done to find out who is missing and out there having lunch. The Timor Telecom network is down - unable to handle the heavy load from everyone trying to contact their families.

an intern has just returned, she was in the business district when her Timorese friend told her to run. As they were running, she saw black smoke and there was smell of burning in the air. The two of them sought refuge in a timorese home and then waited for some time before the Police arrived and began directing traffic. Then she heard more people running, some screaming and saying that the government palace was burnt down. Then she saw cars driving by with smashed windscreens and broken windows. After a while, the friend's uncle drove by (also with smashed windscreen) and drove her back into the UN compound.

Some staff having lunch at Tropical Bakery said the staff there tried to lock up the entire place including them. While another saw old, aged women in panic, running up to the hills.

The Timorese, thanks to the horrors of the '99 violence still fresh on their minds, have a panic button that is very very easily triggered.You can't blame them because their brothers, sisters, friends and relatives were indeed killed before and they themselves victims of the violence. So whenever there are rumours or any hint of anything not right, families flee to the hills for refuge.

And you know what, some people know this weakness and are exploiting it. The demonstrators may be having a peaceful protest but anyone, just one or two persons who are keen on creating trouble, to loot for personal gains or to upset the current government, can so easily spark off panic.

The international media has also NOT helped. A few days ago the OZ papers reported that there were 5000 people gathered which was untrue. You see, when you feed the rumour mill, more bad things happen! Argghhh...... and it was not true that tensions were high in Dili when they reported it. Today, yes, admittedly yes there is tension and now, sadly, we are making those reports come true...

it's so unfair for timor! we need the peace right now for the economy to progress and we need stability. the LAST thing we need is this thing now!

if you want to help timor, the first thing to do is to get the facts right.. which is extremely difficult too. i mean, as i write this i am in the office, safe and surrounded by guards, i can't see the situation outside and am depending on reports from people to even blog this.

sunrise sunset

which side does the sun favour? where it rises or where it sets? we know that the sun loves both sides but we ourselves don't. "divide and conquer" is an age-old strategy that preys on the hearts of humans by creating imaginary divisions and making us believe that these differences are real and do matter. Long time ago, the tall white people who came here planted fissions in the ethnic kaleidescope, then the neighbours came and did the same, and encouraged the fissions to widen into chasms. Thankfully a bitter war and the common enemy made the people of sunrise and sunset unite, so they could shield off the ugly freezing winter to emerge bright and victorious. Now that the ice queen has been defeated, the warmth that the shiny people of sunrise and sunset had for each other has evaporated too. Not ALL of course but some. But that is enough. Sunrise thinks it's better than sunset because it hails the coming of a new day while sunset think it's so much prettier clad in the pinks, purples, and blues of dusk. one thing leads to another and now, the sunset men in green say they get pushed around by sunrise. Now sunset refuses to budge, and doesn't want to be part of the routine anymore. Afterall, why should the sun rise before it sets? how about if the sun stay up in the sky 24/7? now, as sunset and sunrise tussle, the sun is torn between the two and showing some cracks. the enemies rub their hands together in glee, plotting to throw the nets on sunrise and sunset altogether - while they are distracted. the grass gets scorched, the rivers dry up, the animals starve, and the land cracks up with the sun up in the sky all the time. the visitors say we don't want to visit this land anymore, it's too hot and there's no food or water. so what will sunrise and sunset do? for the sake of the grass, rivers, animals and people, will they realise that they are equally important and equally equal for there can be no sunrise without a sunset, and no sunset if the sun has not risen earlier in the day?

ooo la la

it is finished - the complete look of the mystery man in my life. Anyways, it's Monday but i'm beat cos i spent the weekend cleaning up my room and then scrubbing up another room which i am planning to move into. Yupe. the news is that my SIF term with Unicef is drawing to a close (end of May) but i'll stay on here for another 2 months before heading back to Singapore for a while.... it's only a temporary goodbye as i will be back! Doing what? I DON'T KNOW! I just know that i have to come back as Armando is here. This is going to be an exciting phase in my life - yet again filled with lots of uncertainties.. Wish me luck!

Al Jazeera reads this blog!

Ok how could i not be cheered up when I found out that someone from Al Jazeera (that rather controversial news network that Bush has schemed to bomb a few times) actually reads this blog?

How did i find out?

Well just moments ago, a young Timorese guy walked in and told us that a crew from Al Jazeera (KL) is coming to Timor in May and wants to interview a UNICEF national staff who "from a cleaner became a chief" - ok so he was slightly off the mark - but we ALL knew immediately who that CLEANER he was referring to is. The funny thing was he said that in front of that person who "from a cleaner became the principal secretary for the UNICEF chief".

Yulian, Tony and I all looked at G who, by this time, was so mortified and embarrassed. The messenger stared in disbelief and kept asking "is it really you? are you all joking?" So there, that's how i know that my blog's being read by Al Jazeera. It's just made my day and of course G's! ;-)

hey editors at Al Jazeera, are you going to credit moi in your report? I like how newspapers put at the bottom of articles "additional reporting by xxxx". (Hint Hint *kekekeke*)

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That's how i felt when i received the email from Columbia announcing their regret for denying me a place in the Grad School there... My world swirled into slow motion while i stared at the screen and digested the news. Me? Rejected? Denied? Slowly a concoction of confusion, indignation and disappointment began to bubble, while at the same time, my guardian angel kept yelling out to me, "hey, remember what you told Jesus? Thy Will be done?" I picked up the cell and called Armando and told him the news, with sniffles punctuating the sentences.

Then i texted my boss Madhu to tell her the news and she called me immediately. Words at moment such as this are hard to find. But she being she, hit the nail on the head when she said, "I know you are going to feel some sense of inadequacy. I know how that feels." She comforted me and told me to take some time off before returning to work for some healthy distraction.

it's true...
while accepting that perhaps this IS God's will - perhaps He means different things for me and perhaps it's not my time yet - but one question (that appears in different guises) stares at me and it's what the Devil will use to make people like me feel even worse about myself:

WHY was i not accepted?
AM i not good enough?
WHY do other people get accepted and not ME?

Armando picked me up and we had coffee at Roo Bar (that had big mossies zinging about). We talked about my disappointment and he tried his best to comfort me. I think, more importantly, i wanted him to assure me that life goes on with or without a master's degree. It's not easy to let go when you've spent the past year taking the TOEFL test (and scoring so well at it!!!), completing two essays, and preparing for a rigourous test - all for this. But i know i must.

I'm just not used to rejections in my life.
OK OK... Even as i say this, i am so keenly aware of how blessed my life has been - a smooth sailing academic life, a wonderful and supportive family who have accepted my less than normal lifestyle, a generally healthy body and now an amazing boyfriend whom i can talk to endlessly and share my dreams with.

But you see.

Bridgette See ain't used to not getting what she wants. Everything she's strived for in her tiny limited world, she's gotten. From high school, to junior college, to university, to her broadcasting career, to the East West Center, even to wanting to do volunteer work..She ain't used to disappointment and now has to nurse an injured pride, while dealing with a re-evaluation of herself.

That's what rejection does to you right?
I started to question the reality i've constructed over the years in my brain. I began to ask "Was i any good before in Singapore? Was it all an illusion?" It seems as if this verdict from Columbia might threaten to sweep away all my self-esteem and confidence simply because i have been denied a place there.

As i write this, i remind myself of where i base my happiness on - - - is it the possession of a Master's degree? or what others think of me? OR can my happiness be found WITHIN me? Can i find joy within myself, whether in my intimacy with God or my character which 30 years have moulded?

One thing i learnt since quitting a 9to5 job in August 2004 is that God will provide.I've had times when i agonised over my sudden drop in income and dwindling savings account but always, He came to my rescue and lifted me up. I've built up a confidence that no matter where i am, what i do, i will be able to forge a living and make it meaningful. WHY? Because that source of happiness is WITHIN me.

This entry is my way of burying those disturbing questions of 'why' and allow myself to take a deep breath, thank the Lord for keeping me alive, and focus on living my life fully, with courage and happiness.